Relief For Children After Newtown Tragedy

Relief for Children after Newtown Tragedy
By Amanda Pasciucco, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Due to the violence that many children and families witnessed on December 14, 2012, there may be many symptoms that arise. I have been asked by many people what parents can do to help their children at this time. The most important thing is to be with one another and get support from relatives and friends.

No matter what the media states, no one can say how long it will take to recover from this incident. Be aware that there may be a need for mental health services at this time. All children will respond in different ways. Do not be surprised to see acting out behaviors or see children that go back to their usual routines.

Side effects you may notice:

• Fear of being alone
• Anxiety and depression
• Inability to concentrate
• Grief and hopelessness
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Obsession over the shooting
• Sensitivity to sounds

What you can do to help your children:

Spend time with your child. Remain open and non-defensive if they ask questions repetitively about the shooting and about their safety. If they need you to stay in their bed with them while they try to sleep, allow this behavior for a brief period of time. If they do not want to talk about it, do not force them to.

Help children feel safe. Make a safety plan with them. Find safe places to hide, ways to escape rooms, and places where they agree to meet you outside the home in case of an emergency. Don't break your rules.

Maintain structure in the home. Do not forget children's chores and curfews. Use additional check-ins with children for the next few weeks.

Try not to watch the news. Listening to the media coverage repetitively will keep the trauma alive and make children relive the horrific experience that they witnessed. Make sure you monitor what they are accessing about the incident on the television, internet, and phone.

Notice changes in behavior. You may notice more anger, yelling, and crying. Realize that this is normal behavior. If children start to act differently, address this with them. Let them know you are there to listen and help them.

If necessary, seek professional help. Many organizations are doing crisis counseling at this time. My practice is currently open for free crisis counseling for those affected by this tragedy. Please do not hesitate to email me at therapybyamanda@gmail.com This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

Appreciate the Strengths in Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Do you ever notice that when you get into a fight with your partner, you just focus on the negatives? Couples usually “catastophize” – make the worst of – during their arguments. They never get out of the argument because they end up returning to the problem they have with their partner.
Stop falling further and further into the fight. Instead of trying to focus on the problem within the relationship, focus on what you enjoy about your partner. Realize your partner’s strengths, and this will propel you to get over the current conflict you are having. For example, if you are upset at your partner for not communicating with you, instead of repetitively discussing the negative, try to focus on what you enjoy within your partnership. Couples need to remember why they are with each other and not why they are arguing.
Think about your current partnership. It’s easy to recall the negative, but remember the strengths! If it weren’t for the strengths, you would not be together to begin with. Remember, no partnership is perfect.
This week, notice the strengths in your relationship and appreciate them. The next time you find yourself in a conflict, recall these strengths to get out of the fight.

Say "I Love You"

By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists

When is the last time you said “I love you” to someone you care about?

In the wake of last week’s tragic events at “The Dark Knight Rises” premiere in Colorado, we are reminded of the importance of sharing our appreciation to people in our lives. At times like these, we remember that many lives are lost too soon, and things are left unsaid. We cannot predict the future, so we must live each day as if it is a gift and cherish those we care about.

Remember to say “I love you” to family members. Acknowledge these special people in a way that values their significance in our lives. Parents, children, and romantic partners are usually taken for granted. We tend to expect them to act in a certain way based on their relation to us, and we forget to view them as the blessings they are.

Show appreciation. We don’t need holidays such as Mother’s or Father’s day, birthdays, or anniversaries to share our appreciation with the people who we care about. We don’t need Hallmark to write out the words in a pre-written card. All we need to do is reflect on the person who we love, and those feelings and words that express what we feel for them will become accessible. When thinking about people we love, we will realize that it is easy to verbalize our emotions when we actually give ourselves time to think about it.

Think about it. Stop and think about the meaningful people in your life. Acknowledge how much they actually mean to you. Think of at least one sentence to tell them of your appreciation for them. It can be stating how lucky you are to have them in your life, the way you appreciate their being, that they brighten up your life, or you can simply say, “I love you.”

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Trauma in the Body

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Do you ever feel pain and tension in your body even though you haven't done anything that would cause pain? Do you ever get restless leg syndrome or overly anxious for no particular reason? These could be signs that your body is holding onto some extreme emotions that need to be released in somatic (body-centered) therapeutic work.

But I never experienced trauma! Traumas can be caused in our lives when one of our boundaries has been broken, causing extreme anxiety and distress. Traumas are not only caused by childhood stress or family chaos; they can be caused by boundary violations such as being in a job where we are treated poorly or being in a relationship where our needs are never heard.

Fight or flight response. Frequently in our lives, we experience this process: an electric charge by an outside stimulus is followed by a relaxation of that charge. Healthy individuals are able to maintain their usual boundaries with those around them. However, when these boundaries are skewed, an outside source causes us to have an extreme response that bring us outside of our comfort zone (known as homeostasis). For some people, the impact caused by an outside source is such a severe shock on the nervous system that it elicits a traumatic response in our bodies.

How to help ourselves. First, see a therapist trained in trauma work and body-centered process. Trauma is not a "quick fix." There is no tool or tip that can get you through it. Practices such as yoga and meditation can be helpful when working through a traumatic episode, but the most helpful resource is getting professional help to repair this tear within your central nervous system.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Dealing with ANGER!

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Some people think that it is a good idea to express your anger and “let it out” instead of keeping it in and causing you stress. Current research actually states that getting extremely angry is just as damaging to your blood pressure, heart, and immune system as keeping the anger inside. When you constantly unleash your anger, you are not relieving the angry feelings. It is actually proven that the more anger you let out, the angrier you will get. Even thinking about being angry actually can be bad for your heart!

The tip this week is learning to control anger so that you become angry less often. Don’t bottle up what you are feeling; rather, learn to express what is making you angry to the appropriate person in a calm yet assertive tone.

What to look for. Take time to notice that certain people and activities trigger your anger. Be aware of this instead of subconsciously letting these things repetitively get to you and cause you to stir negative emotions. When you are calm, try to find the reason that certain things are triggering you, because it is unlikely that you will be able to figure it out while you are upset.

Did you know that anger makes you less intelligent? Think back to the last time you got really angry. You probably did or said something that you later regretted because you were not consciously thinking when you acted out in anger. When we are angry, we do not think with our whole brains, and we disconnect the neurological pathways to rationality. We begin to think in extremes by using words like “always” or “never.” An angry mind can become completely disillusioned by the situation that is actually occurring.

Why do people like getting angry? Anger is exciting and causes adrenaline to pump through the body. When we get angry, people begin to give us attention and then we begin to feel less self-conscious. The angrier you get, the more likely people are to give in to your demands. Unfortunately for the person who is quick to anger, the negative health side effects listed above are more concerning than getting what you want within the moment.
Remember, practice your breathing. Repeat to yourself that you are not going to let this small thing affect your health. Breathe in and breathe out. Make sure you exhale longer than you inhale! Practicing this technique when you are calm can help you to appropriately express yourself when something causes you anger.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Fourth of July

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

On holidays such as July 4, the fireworks can bring me right back to the sense of awe I experienced when I was younger. The colors, the explosions, and the excitement of wondering what comes next always bring me right back to that sense of young innocence. I find myself free of anxious energy and right back to a sense of calm and excitement. The important lesson we can all learn from this experience? There is something magical about the innocence of a child.

Of course, we all have responsibilities. However, did you ever notice that young children can have so much fun doing absolutely nothing? While adults fret and worry when they have “nothing going on,” children take full advantage of the present moment they live in. After observing numerous children, I realize that the biggest gift we can learn from our children is entertaining ourselves simply through using our imaginations.

Children live in a realm of creativity that many teenagers and adults cannot conceive of. Take time to observe your children or young family members and notice the way they do not let their environment or outside factors affect their sense of self. Adults can ruin their whole day by letting one comment or judgment affect them, yet young children dismiss comments due to their focus on themselves and their world. Imagine the amount of stress we could eliminate if we solely had the innocence of a child for just a few moments a day!

Recognize the joy in your life. No matter how stressful and difficult things are, take a few minutes each day to use your imagination and simply enjoy yourself. A few positive and carefree moments can greatly affect the quality of your day to day life.

Happy Fourth of July!

Make Time for Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

It has been weeks (possible months) since you and your partner or spouse had an evening together. Is it just that your schedules have gotten too busy, or is it a sign that the relationship is in a rut?

If you put all of your free time into something that is not connected to your partner, this is a sign that you may have lost interest in your relationship. When everything else becomes a priority, your relationship may be at a dead end.

It is essential for all partners to invest time into a relationship to make it work. Think back to the beginning of your relationship… couples usually spend on average of fifteen or more hours a week invested in their new partner. As the relationship continues, this number begins to decrease. You hit relationship ruts when you have no free time to give your partner.

But I have no time! Sometimes couples get so busy trying to live up to their personal goals (coursework, careers, taking care of children, etc.) that they find they have no time for each other. If you find yourself in this situation, it is extremely important to set up time to talk with one another.

What to do? Every day, you should make a clear and structured slot of time for you and your partner so that you do not hit or continue to stay within a relationship rut. If you have to wake up before the kids or stay up later, schedule in this time! Although it doesn’t seem fun or spontaneous, having this time for your relationship will make both of you more invested in your relationship and help you show how much you care.

What if my partner won’t give me any time? If you suggest this intervention and your partner refuses to do it, it’s a sign that your relationship is in need of serious assistance. The two of you may have lost the ability to communicate effectively with one another, thus you need a third party (not a family member or friend) to be the buffer between the two of you. Seek counseling as soon as possible to assess and then hopefully save your relationship.

The Art of Intentional Listening

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

Do you try to tell stories to those around you and then realize their response is more about themselves than acknowledging what you just said? I find it to be something that happens to me on a daily basis. I'll begin sharing a story, and the response that I get from the person across from me is such a tangent to what I was actually trying to say. It sparks a whole other conversation, and this person takes the whole moment right away from me.

I believe this is a pervasive issue in our general conversations and everyday dialogue. When people aren't listening to you, it makes you feel unappreciated and undervalued. This, in turn, negatively impacts your self-esteem because you may begin to believe that what you say doesn't actually matter.

Are you a bad listener? Read the following example, and assess if you find truth in it. You walk by someone in your office and say, "Hi, how are you?" Instead of just saying "good," the person replies with their story. They start to elaborate on their family, friends, health, relationship, etc. You start to get anxious as you hear them speaking, you try to make up an excuse to get out of the conversation, you begin regretting asking them “how are you” in the first place. If this happens to you frequently, it may be a sign that you are not a great listener.

Learning how to listen well. To truly listen well, you must simply listen. It seems simple, but in fact, it is difficult to just listen without beginning to plan what you want to say next. To sit and listen to another person without starting to formulate a response is something that we rarely do as individuals. One reason that we fail to actually listen is because we have an intuitive desire as humans to sound intelligent, thus our subconscious begins formulating appropriate responses while others are still speaking. Another reason we do not listen, particularly with people we are close to, is because some people actually trigger us so much that we shut off and prematurely judge what they are going to say before they actually say anything.

If we gave each person the space to say what they wanted to say and actually listened to one another, we might improve our relationships and communication, and people would feel more valued about their self-worth. Try to value the people who speak to you and listen in the way that you would like to be listened to.

Just Give In

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

About a month ago, someone was angry at me because they thought I had wronged them. I was unaware that they felt this way until the person came up and accused me of what I had done wrong. At this moment, I was so in shock of what had happened that I had nothing to say to them. They yelled at me and walked away. After this incident, I started getting extremely angry at the person for wrongly accusing me of something that I had never done. I thought about the situation over and over for days and I realized where the misinterpretation had come from. Now, I was in a predicament because I wasn’t sure how to go about telling this individual what had happened without starting more “drama.” Some people gave me advice but their advice seemed confrontational and did not actually solve the presenting problem. I was angry that I was being blamed for a mistake someone else had made and that this person who yelled at me was misdirecting their anger onto me. I knew that I did not want to confront this person with my own anger, but I could not seem to get my head around the appropriate way to handle this situation. Therefore, I reverted to one of my best advice resources… I called my dad. I explained the situation and he came up with the perfect solution.

Instead of taking my anger out and just adding more anger to an already “heated” situation, he decided that I just “bite the bullet” and take the blame for the situation which was not even my fault. Instead of adding to an already complicated situation, maybe it would be best for me to apologize, take the fault as if it were my own, and concede to the person who was upset at me. Upon hearing his advice, I was baffled. WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! However, after thinking about it, it really seemed like the best path to clearing the air so that we could continue with our lives and both of us could get over the anger we had towards each other. I followed his advice… and within a week, the problem was solved. I took the blame and this individual appreciated it so much that they took the time to actually apologize as well. I did not waste my energy explaining my side and yelling to create more anger, I simply accepted the false blame and we both moved on.

Tip of the Week: Just give in! For me, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I wouldn’t get into a pattern of doing it, but for a person like me that frequently speaks my mind, just “letting it go” was the most amazing feeling and the perfect solution for this situation. This week, instead of getting upset over something, just let it go!

Positively Praise Yourself

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

When you are younger, adults try to raise your self-esteem. You get trophies if you win or lose, your parents praise your good grades by putting them on the refrigerator, you get certificates for being nice to others, etc. However, as you get older, you continue to do these good acts, and yet the praise begins to disappear. On occasion, we get recognition for large projects from our bosses through promotions, or our partners tell us how wonderful we are. Although this could happen, most days we go about doing a variety of deeds (some good and some bad), and the good ones don’t get noticed while the bad ones are pointed out to us.

As adults, do we become so confident in our sense-of-self that we no longer require praise? No, our egos are constantly shifting, just as they did when we were children. Since it is a good idea to positively reinforce a child’s good behavior, it is a good idea to positively praise yourself.

Why don’t adults praise other adults? Adults are quick to point out the flaws in other adults. You will be warned before getting fired or talked down to by your romantic partner for things that you do wrong. However, it is much less common to get positive praise from adults around you. One reason could be that as people get older, they are too absorbed in their own lives that they forget to acknowledge the great things that you are doing. It could be that they feel jealous of the good things that you accomplish, so they keep their comments to themselves. Also, they could just find it awkward or uncomfortable to give you credit for something that you have done.

What to do? Do not rely on praise from others. Realize your own self-worth, and praise yourself for the great job that you do. Have you accomplished a goal recently? Awesome – praise it! Is there anything you want to buy? Don’t buy it on an impulse. Wait until you do something that you are proud of and then buy it for yourself as a reward. This will make you feel happy and also make it so your purchase is justified.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Transform Your Terrible Teenager

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapy

Yes, the hormones, peer pressure, and mood swings are mostly out of our control to deal with. However, there is a part that parents, teachers, and family members can play in controlling teenagers. I'm here to tell you that there is such a thing as a responsible teenager! Although these teens are not always depicted in movies or TV shows, they are out there on the honor roll and not causing their family headaches every night. So how do you get this teen, you may ask?

If you treat your teenagers like responsible adults, they will act like them. If you treat your teenagers like young children, don’t be surprised if they act out and have temper tantrums just like young children would.

As parents, you set the tone for the way your children behave. From the time they are young, they look up to you as role models to figure out the way they should act. If you are responsible and practice what you preach, your teenagers are more likely to be responsible as well. If you are a parent with a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, your child will probably do as you do instead of as you verbally request.

As children become teenagers, we can only hope that they stay consistent to the values they were once taught. Therefore, remember to continue to act as their role models throughout the teen years. Do not try to be friends with your teens because they need you to consistently be there as responsible role models. Make sure you set a curfew for teenagers that is fair and appropriate to their ages and begin to slightly increase the time they are allowed to stay out every few months as a reward for respecting your rules.

Checking in. The older your children gets, the more freedom you should give them. It is important to make sure your children knows that you care about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Please reiterate that this is because you are concerned about their safety and not to "nag" them. With constant communication, such as text messaging, calling, and Facebook, I have noticed some parents are going overboard. This technique rarely works and actually causes teens to rebel against being responsible. There is a fine balance between caring and being overbearing. Before your teens go out, you should know where they are going, who they will be with, and what time they will be coming home. This is basically all you need to know. Do not pry for information with endless questioning.

If they cannot give you who, what, where, and when, then as the parent, you do not have to let them go. If they freely give you this information, you need to give your teenagers their space. Once you have this information, it is your job NOT to call them, text them, or message them before the time they are supposed to be home. There is nothing a teenager hates more than an "annoying parent," and teenagers will do their best to give you a reason not to trust them if you continually nag them while they are out. Until your child breaks the curfew that you have agreed on, you must treat them as if they are responsible young adults.

Finally, when there are difficult decisions to be made regarding your teens, such as a class trips away from home, sleepovers on special nights like prom, class vacations out of the country, etc., do not just say YES or NO. Rather, take TIME to think it through and discuss with your teens. The fact that you take the TIME to labor over the decision will help your children know that they are valuable enough for you to “struggle” along with them in the process. This in turn will raise their own self-esteem and hence cause them to make better decisions for themselves.

These are a few of the basic building blocks needed to raise a responsible teenager.

• Be responsible role models as parents
• Reward teenagers when they act responsibly
• Treat them like adults rather children
• Refrain from nagging them while they are out
• Take the time necessary to “labor” through tough decisions

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Stress and Low Libido

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

One thing that has been lost through the “Fifty Shades of Grey” epidemic is the unrealistic expectations it has created in some women, causing them to question whether “something is wrong with me” if their libidos don’t match up with the protagonist’s. A low libido is not a sign that something is wrong with you, but it may indicate the presence of an excess of stress in your life. Studies have shown a causal link between stress and low libido.

Stress Bringing the kids to school, working extra hours at the office, a new project added to your plate, late payments on your bills, taking up night school... what do all of these things have in common? Well, they all bring additional stress to your life. When your stress increases, your body goes into "fight of flight” response. During this stage, the hormones cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine) prepare you to get ready to go out and do something or to stay and fight. If you keep feeding your body with activities that cause you stress, over time the production of these hormones begin to negatively affect the libido.

Does this affect men and women? It depends. The production of cortisol decreases testosterone, and testosterone is responsible for a large part of our libido. This can cause a big problem for people who have low levels of testosterone. Usually females have about ten times less testosterone in their bodies than males. Although stress can affect males’ libido, research has shown that generally females’ libidos are more affected by stress than males’ are.

What do I do about it? Learning stress management techniques would be helpful! Seek counseling or talk with someone you know who appears to have a good balance in his or her life between work, family, relationship, schooling, and pleasure. Learning techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and meditation from a therapist or trainer have been proven extremely helpful in decreasing stress and thus increasing libido. Another way to decrease stress is to start incorporating exercise and healthy into your schedule. When you exercise you release endorphins, the body's natural way of fighting off stress.

Do Something "Crazy"

By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists

‘Crazy’ can be interpreted many different ways. Something ‘crazy’ is not a recreational drug or something dangerous or harmful to yourself or another, but ‘crazy’ means something out of your comfort zone. Keep that definition in mind as you continue reading.

I would like for you to think about the last time that you actually did something ‘crazy.’ What was it and how long ago was it? Did you enjoy doing it? Did it bring joy to others?

“If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting.” Does this quote apply to your daily life? When you first started your job, a new hobby, or new relationship, it initially brought you happiness and excitement. As you adjusted to it, though, the joy and excitement lessened, and what was once thrilling became routine. At this point, it’s time to do something “crazy.”

Every once in a while, you need to break out of your comfort zone, and spice up your life. If you are tired of the same old thing producing the same old results, then do something new! If your family, friends, or coworkers can predict what you are going to say or do next, then do something different.

Recently, I traveled to the West Coast and realized how differently they do things there than we do here. I spoke with an ER doctor and was astonished that he wasn’t burnt out. I asked him what was the key to his happiness, and he reported that he liked to keep active and implement different activities in his life. He reported that he created a schedule with flexibility to enjoy himself and his family. He reported that he goes hiking one weekend, hits the beach the next weekend, and then brings his kids on a trail to go bike riding.

What should you do? It is important to do things like take a new route to work, so it doesn’t become so redundant. Need flavor in your marriage and can’t afford a vacation? Have a “stay-cation” – stay at a local hotel in your town for a night. It’s reasonably priced and can add a fresh edge to your relationship. Take a personal day from work and go to the movies. Read a book that it is not in your genre or even find a concert of a band that you wouldn’t likely see.

Tip of the week: Break your routine, and do something crazy!

Adult Time-Outs

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Life Coaching and Therapy

You may have used a time-out when disciplining a child who is acting out. The reason that you use time-outs for children is to give them a break from the current environment, allow them to calm themself down, and take them away from the stimuli that are charging their negative behavior. It gives children a new way to deal with their frustration.

If a child is able to learn this, an adult can as well. Practice using time-outs in your life this week!

When you are in the middle of arguing with someone, both of you lose focus on one another as people and become defensive in trying to state your points of view. When this happens, without realizing it, you start to create tears within your relationship. A way to repair the tear before you completely damage the bond is to call a "time-out."

You may not know it, but numerous body processes occur when you are arguing, including raised blood pressure, a rush of adrenaline, and increased heart rate. The stress that begins to form does damage to your body, and the words you begin to yell damage the relationship. Time-outs within relationships can be used to cool you down and let your body come back to its usual state. You can let your body relax, allow the other person to calm down, and then begin to think of a better way to approach the point you were making.

How do you do it? If it is with your partner, you can discuss it before arguing and state that you want to incorporate time-outs into the way you communicate. Tell your partner that either of you can call a time-out and take ten minutes away from one another to "cool down." When you come back, you are able to talk rationally and calmly to one another about the topic. If you are using the time-out option with a friend you usually do not argue with, tell them you need a few minutes to cool down. During your cool down time, you will notice that you find a better way of responding and can thus end the conflict easier.

Therefore, try not to damage relationships by arguing. The use of a time-out can help to keep arguments to small tears that are much easier to repair.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Do you know the saying "misery loves company?" Think about the people who you currently surround yourself with. What are they like? Joyous, happy, and filled with life? Depressed, anxious, or pessimistic? When you look to the people around you, realize that these people are a reflection of and reflect on you. The people you associate with, the way they live, their attitudes, and their style of living have an extreme influence on your attitude and actions.

It's extremely important to surround yourself with positive people and people who you aspire to be like. If you surround yourself with people who are negative, do not support you, and do not value themselves, they will also hold you back. Although you may not be consciously aware of it, these people will have a dramatic affect on your mindset. You only have so much of yourself to give, so why not give of yourself to people who will nurture your continual growth?

Being around positive people will make you feel good! Positive people are there to offer you emotional support and encouragement. When people view the world positively, they see life as a gift and strive to make the most of what they have. This quality will spread to you if you also begin to associate with people who think positively. Unlike complainers, positive people are always looking for joy within life, even when they are going through a tough time.

Research shows that people who are positive or associate with positive people are actually healthier and more successful financially. When you are with encouraging people, your stress decreases, and you will be able to relax more. With low levels of stress, your body will actually be physically healthier. When you surround yourself with positive people, they will make your life more fun and actually "pump" you up. They will actually give you the energy you need to accomplish your goals. Similarly, positive people are more likely to get job recognition and promotions, thus making them more financially successful.

Watch out for "chronic complainers." These people constantly moan about their problems and will wear you down with their negativity. People who constantly complain want others to absorb their negative energy and take on some of their negativity. Make sure you set an example for these types of people by sending them positive messages instead of getting sucked into their depressed moods.

The key to success can be found through positive people who appreciate life and being happy. These people like to live in the moment and get joy from helping others. If you begin to surround yourself with people like this, you will see that you begin to improve the quality of your own life. Since the people who you choose to be around have a tremendous impact on your moods, it is okay to be picky when choosing friends. Even if you tend to be a negative person, being around people who are positive will help you alter the way you live your life.

Rather than getting what you give, give what you get. When you surround yourself with negative people and continuously get negativity, you start to give negativity. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and you will give positive energy to those around you.

Therefore, the tip of the week is: seek out people in your life who exude positivity.

Joy of Sunshine

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

As soon as the sun starts shining, the world just appears to get happier. Recently, it hit 80 degrees in New England and it seemed like everyone was more cheerful. I noticed more people smiling, individuals being friendly and courteous, and a diminished sense of “rushing” or “urgency” around me. I appreciated the sudden shift in energy and decided to delve into understanding this sunshine shift.

My recent experience. I was blessed with the privilege of retreating to the beach on Monday afternoon. I decided to go on a solo excursion to enjoy the peace of the water and basking in the glorious sunlight. I had my apprehensions before going: the cost of getting in, the crowds that would have the same idea, and my fear of bees swarming. I decided to forget about that and just take time to appreciate the opportunity. I arrived (there was no cost to enter), I made my way to the beach (there were barely any people around), and I relaxed (only flies… no bees). I looked around and truly appreciated the moment that I was in. I felt so thankful for that moment where the sun was beating on me, I had nothing to do, and I could just enjoy the sights, sounds, and feeling of that moment. This sense of peace stayed with me throughout the entire rest of the day. I never felt so calm and at ease as I did when I made a conscious effort to be mindful and present within the sunlight. Note to self: get out in the sun more often!

The science behind it. Primitive cultures spent a majority of their time outdoors and in the sunlight. We know that now, we spend much more time indoors, thus we refrain from getting the correct amount of Vitamin D. The importance of this vitamin is to keep our immune systems working hard to fight off infections and to support bone growth. In addition to providing us with Vitamin D, sunlight triggers the circadian rhythms (our awake-to-sleep cycles). When sunlight hits our optic nerves, the brain slows down on its release of melatonin (the hormone responsible for sleep) and increases our serotonin (which is responsible for wakefulness and feelings of happiness). After the sun sets, this cycle reverses. The more sun we get, the more serotonin the brain produces.

Sunlight = Happiness. In addition to the scientific part of it, there is also a psychological factor. We tend to associate sunlight with vacations and tanning with days off from work. This mental state actually leads to a happier self. Due to both the psychological and scientific aspects, I believe I have my answer as to why the world just seems happier when the sun comes out. Look forward to a summer of friendlier faces.

Stop Bringing Out the Worst In Each Other!

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

It seems like I see happy pictures of couples everywhere I turn - on billboards, television, and magazines. Where are these people in real life? The friends that I have who have coupled always seem to do regrettable things in their "coupledom." Normally individuals turn to pettiness, manipulation, and jealousy. In no other relationships other than romantic ones do people act in the ways that they act with a romantic partner. They begin to let behaviors such as arguing and jealousy come out because they perceive these traits as "doing it for the good of the relationship" instead of realizing how self-serving that can be.

Relationships can bring out the worst in people. You can be out with two friends who are amazing individuals when apart, but somehow when they get together, the pettiness and argumentative characteristics all begin to come to the forefront of their interpersonal dynamic. I'm not sure if I notice it more than most people; however, there seems to be a vast amount of this occurring lately.

Not being authentic to begin with. It pains me to see people who go to extreme lengths to find their mates or who put on a front to attract a person that they believe would otherwise not be attracted to them. They begin acting as if they are someone that they are not and sometimes it even works to attract perspective partners. The downside to this is that after some time together, this person will no longer be able to keep up that front. Their partners may feel betrayed or confused when they realize that their significant other is not who they once presented themselves as.

Jealousy. What's the point of doing regrettable things because you feel insecure in your relationship? Insecurity within a relationship manifests in a variety of ways. You see that partners can be overly controlling and wanting to be with their significant others all the time for fear of what they would do in their free time. Being overly jealous is not showing each other love, it is just showing that you have insecurity or a lack of trust with your current partner. These traits rarely manifest themselves at other times, but jealousy and being overly controlling are at the forefront of inappropriate couple behavior.

It shouldn't be this way. Relationships should be about complimenting the best aspects of one another and helping each other to grow in positive ways. In between the arguments, it would be beneficial to assess the healthy parts of your relationship and do more of that! It's easy to get stuck in the negative cycles, but think of how much happier you would be if you built up the strengths of your relationship!

I'm SO Bored!

I’m SO Bored!
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda LLC

Three hours to kill in the middle of the day. I’m not particularly hungry, I have nothing to do, and I am too tired to exercise. I close my office door and lay my head on the desk. The thoughts in my mind to “be productive” won’t stop. I tell them to go away. I enjoy the silence for about five minutes. Then, I begin to hear the negative thoughts screaming into my ear “find something to do!” I lift my head up and scan the room. It’s clean which means I can’t mindlessly tidy up. I go to my computer and spend a few minutes perusing the latest headlines. No emails are in my inbox. There’s no one to text or call. I notice the time and I realize that there is no work that needs to be done in this moment. It takes me a minute to realize it, but I notice that I am suffering from a case of “boredom.”
Within 2 minutes, I made a marvelous discover. Instantly, my boredom disappeared and I began writing this article. I quickly analyzed the fascinating thing that had just occurred. I was able to take my bored state and turn it into productivity. I was absolutely mesmerized!

The conclusion that I came to is that boredom isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although it may seem tedious when we are within it, those “bored” spaces allow the mind to wander. When you allow yourself the time to mentally wander (without the judgment), you are giving yourself the potential to create and come up with something new and possibly creative. The boredom allows the mind to desire more. Through that desire for more, the mind begins to bloom with ideas to be productive and motivates itself to achieve more and to continue growing.

Child Boredom. This can work for both adults and children. My mother tells me that I used to complain of being “bored” as a child. It’s interesting that I have a completely different perception and I rarely recall being bored when I was younger. It’s fascinating that the mind can forget the state of being that sparks the creativity. All I seem to remember is playing outside, the forts we made within the house, the games of “teacher/student” with friends, and the creative stories I used to write when I was alone. I guess letting your kids be “bored” isn’t too bad… because the boredom that comes from not having a cell phone or playing a video game actually can foster their personal growth and better their mental well-being.

Never bored again. Now, I’m not saying that I will never be bored again. I think it’s important to notice that there is space for the boredom to enter in our lives and have its place. As long as we continue to ignite the fire within us to be creative and open to growing mentally and physically, boredom could be the stepping stone to creating a better version of our current selves.

Expressing Grief

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

Grief. At some point in our lives, we will grieve. There are different ways to process the loss of a loved one. Grief is incredibly painful and many people do not know how to handle these periods of intense emotional feelings within their life. In the following, I will discuss the various ways in which I have seen people grieve a significant loss in their life.

When some people grieve, they immediately begin to get angry. They start to approach life with bitterness and thus they push people away from them. They refuse to smile or laugh at the memories. They begin to blame, whether it be blaming life, the doctors, or others. As an observer, you can tell that they are probably in emotional turmoil already. A tip for those going through this type of grief is to find help to process through the loss. If you want to try to get through it alone, it will be important to find some type of meaningful purpose within your own life to get through this difficult time. Whether it is religion, family, work, or some other support group, it is important to let people in and make meaningful connections during this difficult time.

Other people handle grief by denying the recent occurrence. You will notice this for people who grieve and find everything about the situation comical. People who are in denial will make jokes and laugh while they refuse to acknowledge that anything has happened. Eventually it will hit them when they are alone or by themselves. When you refuse to breakdown or let it out, it will eventually hit you. My advice to this category of people is to realize that you cannot free yourself from a problem or emotions by shutting your eyes to those feelings. To free yourself from a problem you have to face it head on.

Another way of approaching grief, which I believe is a relatively healthy way, is to ride the rollercoaster of emotions. One second you are acknowledging the sadness and loss of the person you care about. This could bring tears and anger. The next second you feel happy remembering the memories you have together. You could laugh. Each moment, you have no idea what your emotions will bring, but you acknowledge the process and continue to embrace each experience.

When dealing with grief, my advice is to laugh when you can laugh and to cry when you can cry. During difficult times such as grieving a person in your life, do not suppress any of your emotions. Let them come and experience them.

Defining Beauty.

Defining Beauty.

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

Due to commercialism, many people assess their own beauty by the models in magazines, commercials, and on billboards. Unfortunately statistics today imply that there is lower self-esteem among all Americans than ever before. The reason for this may be that people are constantly being flooded with depictions of alluring and attractive individuals within advertisements. When people begin to compare themselves to these models, they begin to feel incomplete. Acting off their emotional impulses, they will go out and do exactly what the companies want: buy the products that their models are selling.

The misconception of beauty must stop if we have any hope for the self-esteem of young or future generations. Within our society, the definition of beauty has become extremely skewed. Beauty is defined as “the quality present in a thing or personthat gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising fromsensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.) or something where spiritualqualities are manifested.” What Americans are bombarded with is commercialism that uses glamour to play on our notion of beauty. Glamour is “the quality of fascinating, alluring, or attracting, especially by a combination of charm and good looks” or “magic or enchantment; spell; witchery.”

The most interesting part of this whole notion is that glamour is defined as “enchantment” or “witchery” because it truly has captured us as individuals and made people entranced in what it provides. If people understood this core distinction between beauty and glamour, there would be higher self-esteem throughout the nation. However, people are not told that what they perceive as beauty is actually something entirely different. Therefore, they begin to compare their own beauty against the cultural media’s definition.

Remember the saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

It is important as individuals, educators, parents, and friends that we educate people about the definition of beauty. This week, begin to identify the ways in which you are beautiful. Where are you most beautiful? Who is around you when you are the most beautiful? What qualities represent your beauty? Remember, it doesn’t have to be physical beauty.

Expanding exercise: Ask friends and family if they would express their beauty to you. It could be a powerful experience to find out if others can even identify the ways in which they are beautiful. If they struggle to find the qualities they possess that can attract others to them, it is alright. Every person has some way in which they possess beauty. Let them know that all people deserve to know the ways in which they are beautiful and are deserving of hearing praise for their beauty.

*All definitions within this article have come from dictionary.com. The idea for this article came from a workshop I took last week at the Institute for Sexuality Education, Enrichment, and Enlightenment (ISEEE) with the founder of the institute, Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo.

Family Time

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

It's too bad that family doesn't get together more often. It's always exciting when planning a family get-together, but most families don't get together more than a few times a year. There are the typical excuses: Winter holidays, birthdays, big anniversaries, or graduations, but what about the rest of the year?

It's so important for people, especially children, to connect with others and have a good support system. Yes, some parents look to extracurricular activities for their kids to build social skills, but that isn't how things were fifty years ago. The generation before this one grew up with numerous family get-together and close family friends and neighbors that became a second family. There were no sports to build social skills; kids socialized by playing and participating in family conversation.

Things have changed... and it doesn't seem like it's for the better. More children are having troubles in school due to behaviors troubles and lack of socialization skills. A special education teacher told me, "I get numerous kids sent down to my office, but the majority of them just have problems interacting because they have such limited social circles." It seems like people are forgetting their most available (and cheapest) resource: their extended families.

At this time of year, it may be months until we come out of our cold houses and get together for a family gathering. But when did it get to the point where we would sacrifice a weekend day socializing with friends for a weekend of errands or appointments? Make the time to have a family party for no particular reason at all. The benefits could really be rewarding because family knows how to revitalize you in a way that no one else is quite capable of.

Stop Buying Stuff!

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

SALE! CLEARANCE! HUGE DISCOUNTS! SAVINGS UP TO 70% OFF!!

Did I get your attention? Probably.... My tip this week for living a happier life is: stop buying stuff!
We all want things... new things bring us joy. How long does this joy last? Probably not that long. Research shows that happiness from purchases are fleeting. At first, I am really happy with my purchases. Then I get bored of them, they burden me, they no longer are new and pleasant, and I replace them, toss them away, donate them, or throw them back into the dresser until they are in style again.

Sometimes I clean to find that I have a brand new designer shirt crumpled in the corner of my closet. This irks me because in the store, this shirt was so exciting and called out to me. While handing my credit card over to the cashier, I didn't realize the future of this shirt was to collect dust in the bottom corner of my closet and wrinkle itself into oblivion. What is even more unfortunate is that this has happened to me numerous times.

My college professor in my "Consumer Society" course would cringe if she read this article. I got an A in the course, and I can't even manage to stop buying things. I was literally trained in college not to prioritize material possessions. If I "know better" than how can I ever convince teenager girls or those around me to put their consumer ideas aside and stop purchasing unnecessarily? It's going to be tough, but I am going to try... stay with me.

Remember that saying "less is more?" Let's try to apply it here. The more stuff you have, the harder it is to keep track of it. The more you bring into your house, the harder it will be to organize. All of this "stuff" becomes a burden... to clean, to wash, to organize, and to take up your time that you would utilize differently if you didn't have so much stuff.

Easier said than done, I know. However, I found a way to curb the rush of the purchase. While doing a seasonal house cleanse, I realized that I get a rush out of getting rid of things. As I donated 10 bags of items, I felt the burden of these belongings lifting off my shoulders. I felt light and carefree. All of the sudden, I had a rush from the new space I had gained. I could dance around in my room if I wanted to. If you don't want to donate your things, you could always sell them too. There definitely is a rush from selling belongings and getting money back from the consignment shop.

I don't want to sell or donate. I just don't want to purchase more. Okay, if this describes you... you need to use your shopping time wisely. Instead of spending an afternoon alone in a store or with a friend at the mall, take some time and plan ahead. Research shows that people have much longer lasting happiness from doing things! Doing things, rather than buying things, will give you memories to reminisce about and create longer lasting feelings of happiness. So use your money wisely and plan an event. Don't have money? Look at the event calendar in your town... there are plenty of things to do!

The Love of Learning

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

I woke up today and I was so excited. I looked in my planner... appointments were filled, meetings had been made, and a few scattered minutes were left in between. When "lunch time" came, I was asked to go out with a co-worker. I politely refrained from joining and shut my office door. I raced to the Internet. Immediately, I began scrolling for local continuing education certificates being offered, new networking opportunities, and any available resource to help me expand my already hectic schedule. I grinned with delight as my eyes saw the amazing new opportunities that were available for me to participate in. My eyes were scanning the computer screen so quickly that I was barely letting one opportunity sink in before I jumped to the next possibility. "The world is my playground," I thought to myself.

At the end of the day, on my hour-long drive home, I finally had time to reflect. I began thinking about the joy that I have from new opportunities and learning. Then I thought about some of my friends and realized that not everyone has the same passion that I do for gaining knowledge. I tried to justify their reasoning... no time, no interest, content in their own schedule. None of the reasons seemed "good enough" for me.

I thought that this is the time to take advantage of all that life has to offer. Why would anyone just be "fine" with what they have? It's so important to love the opportunities that you are given. I believe that you should try to be a constant learner and scholar of Life. There is so much out there to learn, so don't sell yourself short and limit your ability to experience new things.

Each day is a gift and we should seize the day. When you are older, you will look back at your life and judge if you got the most out of it. You don't want to look back in regret. Each day, try to find the "highlight" of your day. Don't let another mundane Monday pass you by. Before you go to sleep, write out the highlight of your day - no matter how small it was. Then plan and get excited for tomorrow's opportunities. The joy that you will get from this exercise will greatly improve your outlook on each day that passes by.

Notice Others!

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

It's important to notice the little details. Many people go through life and never stop to notice the subtleties that make life so amazing. We rush from place to place, and in between, we spend our time worrying about what's next or checking our emails. Sometimes when we are in the middle of having a "bad day," taking the time to stop outside and look around really can help us calm ourselves. Simply because you are feeling down and gloomy doesn't mean that you can't take time to enjoy the beauty around you.

Within our families, it's also important to notice the little details. Does your spouse seem to be annoyed with you? Are your children having an attitude again? When people feel these strong emotions, they do not come out of nowhere. Others in your family may be giving you hints and trying to express themselves to you through body cues and small gestures. Maybe one of your kids blows up at you out of nowhere... If you think it over, chances are that this anger was building up before and you may not have noticed. People also express to you that they are not being desired or appreciated.

Your spouse may be hinting something to you, but you are too busy with your own schedule that you are not noticing their needs and desires either. Once you start noticing the details around you, it's important to notice the details that are going on with the people in your home as well. Never let these people go unnoticed and unappreciated!

Don't you love compliments? This week, go out and notice a nice deed that someone did. Once you notice it, tell them you noticed. This makes them feel valued and feel like someone sees them and understands them. Imagine how nice it would be if someone noticed all the little things that you do that go unnoticed. People would be much happier if they felt appreciated, so go out and appreciate someone by noticing the small things that they do!

Stop Complaining and START DOING!

By Amanda Pasciucco

There are numerous things to stress and worry about, but it appears as if all the time stressing is quite unproductive. Every day, you can witness people becoming upset over things they cannot change: people yelling while stuck in traffic, foot tapping while anxiously waiting in line, or yelling over a rule or regulation.In all of these scenarios (traffic, waiting in line, a rule), the frustration you are experiencing isnot going to change the situation, so why stress?

As a young psychologist, Dr. Wayne Dyer talked about a client that came into his office complaining about her mother. The client told Dyer that she always wanted to ride a bike as a child and that her mother wouldn't let her. Dr. Dyer got up and told the client to follow him. They walked to Dyer's garage and he took out his bicycle. "What's that?" the client asked. Dr. Dyer responded "A bike. You said you wanted to ride one." The client shook her head and stated, "No, I don't want to ride a bike. I wanted to know why I wasn't allowed to ride a bike." Dr. Dyer responded, "Let's get on the bike and we can begin to undo some of the anger you have over not being able to ride." This client is an example of a person who wants to continue complaining instead of acting. In life, do you want to be a person who complains or acts?

Stop complaining and learn to use your time wisely. Your frustration or anxiety doesn't change anything. Actually, living in anger or fear is very restricting for your personal development. These qualities are completely non-productive and continue to fuel unhappiness and mental torment. This week, try to take a positive step and think before you complain. Instead of using your mental energy to stress yourself out, use your time wisely and be productive. The positive benefits from a few hours of productivity will be much more helpful for your overall well-being than a minute of complaining. One day, you have to just ride the bike...

Be a Happy & Positive Person

Be a Happy & Positive Person
By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

I remember hearing my father tell this story when I was younger and it stayed with me as a very important lesson. The story went as follows: Years ago, the actor Warren Beatty, was a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. During the interview, Jay asked Warren, who had been a notoriously known as a ladies man and womanizer, how he felt now that he had been married and had three children with his wife, Annette Bening. My father always commented that he was struck by Warren Beatty's answer to that question. To this day, I can still quote the answer almost verbatim. Warren's answer was as follows: "Jay, Annette WORKS SO HARD EVERYDAY TO BE A HAPPY, POSITIVE PERSON that I can't help being happy."

The formula must have worked, because they have been married for 20 years in Hollywood, a town notorious for its break-ups. With Warren's wondering eye, there must be something to the formula being with a person who works hard at being happy.

That's what I would like to share my thoughts about today. The labor of WORKING HARD every day to be a happy person.

The author Erik Fromm, "The Art of Loving," discusses how love is akin to an art form. When the artist is first learning to blend lines, shades, and colors, they are doing it mechanically at first, one can hardly consider them an artist at that point. However, after years of practicing, the techniques become so much a part of a person that you can no longer separate the methods from the artist. It is like that with our personalities as well. If we work hard at being happy, even if at first it is mechanical, it will effect our moods and thus our overall well-being.

As my pastor used to say, "your mood is your life…. If you're in a good mood, you're having a good day. If you're in a bad mood, watch out…." So what practical steps can we take to improve our life and the lives of those around us?

Here are a few thoughts:
1. SMILE. Smile when you pick up the phone, when you meet someone in the hall, when you greet a family member. A simple smile can affect your mood as much, if not more, than anything else. It sets the tone for all the interactions that follow. It will also keep you looking younger well past that which nature gives on its own.
2. DO NICE THINGS FOR OTHERS. Have you ever noticed how nice it feels when you do something nice for someone else? You can feel the emotional bond strengthening with every kind act and thoughtful gesture rendered.
3. SHOW PEOPLE THAT YOU CARE. There's a saying that goes, "people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." Ask people about the events in their life. Ask them about their family. Ask them about their hobbies and what they love to do. Ask them what really intrigues them and interests them. And then listen with sincerity. Watch their eyes light up as they share with you and notice that you are actually paying attention to them.
4. BECOMING A HAPPIER PERSON TAKES EFFORT. The 12-Step Group, AA, has some sayings they may prove helpful: fake it to make it... Act as if... Keep trying... If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

I will conclude with a story from Greek Mythology. There was a young prince who was very grotesque looking. His father, the king, had one of the artisans make a mask of a handsome, beautiful face for his son to wear to cover his natural one. The young prince wore the mask every day until the day after his father died. On that day, someone suggested that now that he was king, surely no one would make fun of his appearance any longer and that he remove the mask. With great apprehension and fear, the new king removed the mask. To the shock of everyone around him, his face had been transformed to match the beautiful "mask" that he had been "wearing" all those years.
We are in many ways like that prince... The face we put on will become the face we are.
So put on a happy face!