Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Just Give In

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

About a month ago, someone was angry at me because they thought I had wronged them. I was unaware that they felt this way until the person came up and accused me of what I had done wrong. At this moment, I was so in shock of what had happened that I had nothing to say to them. They yelled at me and walked away. After this incident, I started getting extremely angry at the person for wrongly accusing me of something that I had never done. I thought about the situation over and over for days and I realized where the misinterpretation had come from. Now, I was in a predicament because I wasn’t sure how to go about telling this individual what had happened without starting more “drama.” Some people gave me advice but their advice seemed confrontational and did not actually solve the presenting problem. I was angry that I was being blamed for a mistake someone else had made and that this person who yelled at me was misdirecting their anger onto me. I knew that I did not want to confront this person with my own anger, but I could not seem to get my head around the appropriate way to handle this situation. Therefore, I reverted to one of my best advice resources… I called my dad. I explained the situation and he came up with the perfect solution.

Instead of taking my anger out and just adding more anger to an already “heated” situation, he decided that I just “bite the bullet” and take the blame for the situation which was not even my fault. Instead of adding to an already complicated situation, maybe it would be best for me to apologize, take the fault as if it were my own, and concede to the person who was upset at me. Upon hearing his advice, I was baffled. WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! However, after thinking about it, it really seemed like the best path to clearing the air so that we could continue with our lives and both of us could get over the anger we had towards each other. I followed his advice… and within a week, the problem was solved. I took the blame and this individual appreciated it so much that they took the time to actually apologize as well. I did not waste my energy explaining my side and yelling to create more anger, I simply accepted the false blame and we both moved on.

Tip of the Week: Just give in! For me, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I wouldn’t get into a pattern of doing it, but for a person like me that frequently speaks my mind, just “letting it go” was the most amazing feeling and the perfect solution for this situation. This week, instead of getting upset over something, just let it go!

Positively Praise Yourself

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

When you are younger, adults try to raise your self-esteem. You get trophies if you win or lose, your parents praise your good grades by putting them on the refrigerator, you get certificates for being nice to others, etc. However, as you get older, you continue to do these good acts, and yet the praise begins to disappear. On occasion, we get recognition for large projects from our bosses through promotions, or our partners tell us how wonderful we are. Although this could happen, most days we go about doing a variety of deeds (some good and some bad), and the good ones don’t get noticed while the bad ones are pointed out to us.

As adults, do we become so confident in our sense-of-self that we no longer require praise? No, our egos are constantly shifting, just as they did when we were children. Since it is a good idea to positively reinforce a child’s good behavior, it is a good idea to positively praise yourself.

Why don’t adults praise other adults? Adults are quick to point out the flaws in other adults. You will be warned before getting fired or talked down to by your romantic partner for things that you do wrong. However, it is much less common to get positive praise from adults around you. One reason could be that as people get older, they are too absorbed in their own lives that they forget to acknowledge the great things that you are doing. It could be that they feel jealous of the good things that you accomplish, so they keep their comments to themselves. Also, they could just find it awkward or uncomfortable to give you credit for something that you have done.

What to do? Do not rely on praise from others. Realize your own self-worth, and praise yourself for the great job that you do. Have you accomplished a goal recently? Awesome – praise it! Is there anything you want to buy? Don’t buy it on an impulse. Wait until you do something that you are proud of and then buy it for yourself as a reward. This will make you feel happy and also make it so your purchase is justified.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Transform Your Terrible Teenager


By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapy

Yes, the hormones, peer pressure, and mood swings are mostly out of our control to deal with. However, there is a part that parents, teachers, and family members can play in controlling teenagers. I'm here to tell you that there is such a thing as a responsible teenager! Although these teens are not always depicted in movies or TV shows, they are out there on the honor roll and not causing their family headaches every night. So how do you get this teen, you may ask?

If you treat your teenagers like responsible adults, they will act like them. If you treat your teenagers like young children, don’t be surprised if they act out and have temper tantrums just like young children would.

As parents, you set the tone for the way your children behave. From the time they are young, they look up to you as role models to figure out the way they should act. If you are responsible and practice what you preach, your teenagers are more likely to be responsible as well. If you are a parent with a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, your child will probably do as you do instead of as you verbally request.

As children become teenagers, we can only hope that they stay consistent to the values they were once taught. Therefore, remember to continue to act as their role models throughout the teen years. Do not try to be friends with your teens because they need you to consistently be there as responsible role models. Make sure you set a curfew for teenagers that is fair and appropriate to their ages and begin to slightly increase the time they are allowed to stay out every few months as a reward for respecting your rules.

Checking in. The older your children gets, the more freedom you should give them. It is important to make sure your children knows that you care about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Please reiterate that this is because you are concerned about their safety and not to "nag" them. With constant communication, such as text messaging, calling, and Facebook, I have noticed some parents are going overboard. This technique rarely works and actually causes teens to rebel against being responsible. There is a fine balance between caring and being overbearing. Before your teens go out, you should know where they are going, who they will be with, and what time they will be coming home. This is basically all you need to know. Do not pry for information with endless questioning.

If they cannot give you who, what, where, and when, then as the parent, you do not have to let them go. If they freely give you this information, you need to give your teenagers their space. Once you have this information, it is your job NOT to call them, text them, or message them before the time they are supposed to be home. There is nothing a teenager hates more than an "annoying parent," and teenagers will do their best to give you a reason not to trust them if you continually nag them while they are out. Until your child breaks the curfew that you have agreed on, you must treat them as if they are responsible young adults.

Finally, when there are difficult decisions to be made regarding your teens, such as a class trips away from home, sleepovers on special nights like prom, class vacations out of the country, etc., do not just say YES or NO. Rather, take TIME to think it through and discuss with your teens. The fact that you take the TIME to labor over the decision will help your children know that they are valuable enough for you to “struggle” along with them in the process. This in turn will raise their own self-esteem and hence cause them to make better decisions for themselves.

These are a few of the basic building blocks needed to raise a responsible teenager.

  • Be responsible role models as parents
  • Reward teenagers when they act responsibly
  • Treat them like adults rather children
  • Refrain from nagging them while they are out
  • Take the time necessary to “labor” through tough decisions

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.