The Art of Intentional Listening

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

Do you try to tell stories to those around you and then realize their response is more about themselves than acknowledging what you just said? I find it to be something that happens to me on a daily basis. I'll begin sharing a story, and the response that I get from the person across from me is such a tangent to what I was actually trying to say. It sparks a whole other conversation, and this person takes the whole moment right away from me.

I believe this is a pervasive issue in our general conversations and everyday dialogue. When people aren't listening to you, it makes you feel unappreciated and undervalued. This, in turn, negatively impacts your self-esteem because you may begin to believe that what you say doesn't actually matter.

Are you a bad listener? Read the following example, and assess if you find truth in it. You walk by someone in your office and say, "Hi, how are you?" Instead of just saying "good," the person replies with their story. They start to elaborate on their family, friends, health, relationship, etc. You start to get anxious as you hear them speaking, you try to make up an excuse to get out of the conversation, you begin regretting asking them “how are you” in the first place. If this happens to you frequently, it may be a sign that you are not a great listener.

Learning how to listen well. To truly listen well, you must simply listen. It seems simple, but in fact, it is difficult to just listen without beginning to plan what you want to say next. To sit and listen to another person without starting to formulate a response is something that we rarely do as individuals. One reason that we fail to actually listen is because we have an intuitive desire as humans to sound intelligent, thus our subconscious begins formulating appropriate responses while others are still speaking. Another reason we do not listen, particularly with people we are close to, is because some people actually trigger us so much that we shut off and prematurely judge what they are going to say before they actually say anything.

If we gave each person the space to say what they wanted to say and actually listened to one another, we might improve our relationships and communication, and people would feel more valued about their self-worth. Try to value the people who speak to you and listen in the way that you would like to be listened to.