Thursday, May 24, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey - Stress and Low Libido

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

One thing that has been lost through the “Fifty Shades of Grey” epidemic is the unrealistic expectations it has created in some women, causing them to question whether “something is wrong with me” if their libidos don’t match up with the protagonist’s. A low libido is not a sign that something is wrong with you, but it may indicate the presence of an excess of stress in your life. Studies have shown a causal link between stress and low libido.

Stress Bringing the kids to school, working extra hours at the office, a new project added to your plate, late payments on your bills, taking up night school... what do all of these things have in common? Well, they all bring additional stress to your life. When your stress increases, your body goes into "fight of flight” response. During this stage, the hormones cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine) prepare you to get ready to go out and do something or to stay and fight. If you keep feeding your body with activities that cause you stress, over time the production of these hormones begin to negatively affect the libido.

Does this affect men and women? It depends. The production of cortisol decreases testosterone, and testosterone is responsible for a large part of our libido. This can cause a big problem for people who have low levels of testosterone. Usually females have about ten times less testosterone in their bodies than males. Although stress can affect males’ libido, research has shown that generally females’ libidos are more affected by stress than males’ are.

What do I do about it? Learning stress management techniques would be helpful! Seek counseling or talk with someone you know who appears to have a good balance in his or her life between work, family, relationship, schooling, and pleasure. Learning techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and meditation from a therapist or trainer have been proven extremely helpful in decreasing stress and thus increasing libido. Another way to decrease stress is to start incorporating exercise and healthy into your schedule. When you exercise you release endorphins, the body's natural way of fighting off stress.

Do Something "Crazy"

By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists

‘Crazy’ can be interpreted many different ways. Something ‘crazy’ is not a recreational drug or something dangerous or harmful to yourself or another, but ‘crazy’ means something out of your comfort zone. Keep that definition in mind as you continue reading.

I would like for you to think about the last time that you actually did something ‘crazy.’ What was it and how long ago was it? Did you enjoy doing it? Did it bring joy to others?

“If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting.” Does this quote apply to your daily life? When you first started your job, a new hobby, or new relationship, it initially brought you happiness and excitement. As you adjusted to it, though, the joy and excitement lessened, and what was once thrilling became routine. At this point, it’s time to do something “crazy.”

Every once in a while, you need to break out of your comfort zone, and spice up your life. If you are tired of the same old thing producing the same old results, then do something new! If your family, friends, or coworkers can predict what you are going to say or do next, then do something different.

Recently, I traveled to the West Coast and realized how differently they do things there than we do here. I spoke with an ER doctor and was astonished that he wasn’t burnt out. I asked him what was the key to his happiness, and he reported that he liked to keep active and implement different activities in his life. He reported that he created a schedule with flexibility to enjoy himself and his family. He reported that he goes hiking one weekend, hits the beach the next weekend, and then brings his kids on a trail to go bike riding.

What should you do? It is important to do things like take a new route to work, so it doesn’t become so redundant. Need flavor in your marriage and can’t afford a vacation? Have a “stay-cation” – stay at a local hotel in your town for a night. It’s reasonably priced and can add a fresh edge to your relationship. Take a personal day from work and go to the movies. Read a book that it is not in your genre or even find a concert of a band that you wouldn’t likely see.

Tip of the week: Break your routine, and do something crazy!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Adult Time-Outs

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Life Coaching and Therapy
You may have used a time-out when disciplining a child who is acting out. The reason that you use time-outs for children is to give them a break from the current environment, allow them to calm themself down, and take them away from the stimuli that are charging their negative behavior. It gives children a new way to deal with their frustration.
If a child is able to learn this, an adult can as well. Practice using time-outs in your life this week!
When you are in the middle of arguing with someone, both of you lose focus on one another as people and become defensive in trying to state your points of view. When this happens, without realizing it, you start to create tears within your relationship. A way to repair the tear before you completely damage the bond is to call a "time-out."
You may not know it, but numerous body processes occur when you are arguing, including raised blood pressure, a rush of adrenaline, and increased heart rate. The stress that begins to form does damage to your body, and the words you begin to yell damage the relationship. Time-outs within relationships can be used to cool you down and let your body come back to its usual state. You can let your body relax, allow the other person to calm down, and then begin to think of a better way to approach the point you were making.
How do you do it? If it is with your partner, you can discuss it before arguing and state that you want to incorporate time-outs into the way you communicate. Tell your partner that either of you can call a time-out and take ten minutes away from one another to "cool down." When you come back, you are able to talk rationally and calmly to one another about the topic. If you are using the time-out option with a friend you usually do not argue with, tell them you need a few minutes to cool down. During your cool down time, you will notice that you find a better way of responding and can thus end the conflict easier.
Therefore, try not to damage relationships by arguing. The use of a time-out can help to keep arguments to small tears that are much easier to repair.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Surround Yourself With Positive People

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Do you know the saying "misery loves company?" Think about the people who you currently surround yourself with. What are they like? Joyous, happy, and filled with life? Depressed, anxious, or pessimistic? When you look to the people around you, realize that these people are a reflection of and reflect on you. The people you associate with, the way they live, their attitudes, and their style of living have an extreme influence on your attitude and actions.

It's extremely important to surround yourself with positive people and people who you aspire to be like. If you surround yourself with people who are negative, do not support you, and do not value themselves, they will also hold you back. Although you may not be consciously aware of it, these people will have a dramatic affect on your mindset. You only have so much of yourself to give, so why not give of yourself to people who will nurture your continual growth?

Being around positive people will make you feel good! Positive people are there to offer you emotional support and encouragement. When people view the world positively, they see life as a gift and strive to make the most of what they have. This quality will spread to you if you also begin to associate with people who think positively. Unlike complainers, positive people are always looking for joy within life, even when they are going through a tough time.

Research shows that people who are positive or associate with positive people are actually healthier and more successful financially. When you are with encouraging people, your stress decreases, and you will be able to relax more. With low levels of stress, your body will actually be physically healthier. When you surround yourself with positive people, they will make your life more fun and actually "pump" you up. They will actually give you the energy you need to accomplish your goals. Similarly, positive people are more likely to get job recognition and promotions, thus making them more financially successful.

Watch out for "chronic complainers." These people constantly moan about their problems and will wear you down with their negativity. People who constantly complain want others to absorb their negative energy and take on some of their negativity. Make sure you set an example for these types of people by sending them positive messages instead of getting sucked into their depressed moods.

The key to success can be found through positive people who appreciate life and being happy. These people like to live in the moment and get joy from helping others. If you begin to surround yourself with people like this, you will see that you begin to improve the quality of your own life. Since the people who you choose to be around have a tremendous impact on your moods, it is okay to be picky when choosing friends. Even if you tend to be a negative person, being around people who are positive will help you alter the way you live your life.

Rather than getting what you give, give what you get. When you surround yourself with negative people and continuously get negativity, you start to give negativity. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and you will give positive energy to those around you.

Therefore, the tip of the week is: seek out people in your life who exude positivity.