Relief For Children After Newtown Tragedy

Relief for Children after Newtown Tragedy
By Amanda Pasciucco, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Due to the violence that many children and families witnessed on December 14, 2012, there may be many symptoms that arise. I have been asked by many people what parents can do to help their children at this time. The most important thing is to be with one another and get support from relatives and friends.

No matter what the media states, no one can say how long it will take to recover from this incident. Be aware that there may be a need for mental health services at this time. All children will respond in different ways. Do not be surprised to see acting out behaviors or see children that go back to their usual routines.

Side effects you may notice:

• Fear of being alone
• Anxiety and depression
• Inability to concentrate
• Grief and hopelessness
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Obsession over the shooting
• Sensitivity to sounds

What you can do to help your children:

Spend time with your child. Remain open and non-defensive if they ask questions repetitively about the shooting and about their safety. If they need you to stay in their bed with them while they try to sleep, allow this behavior for a brief period of time. If they do not want to talk about it, do not force them to.

Help children feel safe. Make a safety plan with them. Find safe places to hide, ways to escape rooms, and places where they agree to meet you outside the home in case of an emergency. Don't break your rules.

Maintain structure in the home. Do not forget children's chores and curfews. Use additional check-ins with children for the next few weeks.

Try not to watch the news. Listening to the media coverage repetitively will keep the trauma alive and make children relive the horrific experience that they witnessed. Make sure you monitor what they are accessing about the incident on the television, internet, and phone.

Notice changes in behavior. You may notice more anger, yelling, and crying. Realize that this is normal behavior. If children start to act differently, address this with them. Let them know you are there to listen and help them.

If necessary, seek professional help. Many organizations are doing crisis counseling at this time. My practice is currently open for free crisis counseling for those affected by this tragedy. Please do not hesitate to email me at therapybyamanda@gmail.com This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

Appreciate the Strengths in Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Do you ever notice that when you get into a fight with your partner, you just focus on the negatives? Couples usually “catastophize” – make the worst of – during their arguments. They never get out of the argument because they end up returning to the problem they have with their partner.
Stop falling further and further into the fight. Instead of trying to focus on the problem within the relationship, focus on what you enjoy about your partner. Realize your partner’s strengths, and this will propel you to get over the current conflict you are having. For example, if you are upset at your partner for not communicating with you, instead of repetitively discussing the negative, try to focus on what you enjoy within your partnership. Couples need to remember why they are with each other and not why they are arguing.
Think about your current partnership. It’s easy to recall the negative, but remember the strengths! If it weren’t for the strengths, you would not be together to begin with. Remember, no partnership is perfect.
This week, notice the strengths in your relationship and appreciate them. The next time you find yourself in a conflict, recall these strengths to get out of the fight.

Say "I Love You"

By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists

When is the last time you said “I love you” to someone you care about?

In the wake of last week’s tragic events at “The Dark Knight Rises” premiere in Colorado, we are reminded of the importance of sharing our appreciation to people in our lives. At times like these, we remember that many lives are lost too soon, and things are left unsaid. We cannot predict the future, so we must live each day as if it is a gift and cherish those we care about.

Remember to say “I love you” to family members. Acknowledge these special people in a way that values their significance in our lives. Parents, children, and romantic partners are usually taken for granted. We tend to expect them to act in a certain way based on their relation to us, and we forget to view them as the blessings they are.

Show appreciation. We don’t need holidays such as Mother’s or Father’s day, birthdays, or anniversaries to share our appreciation with the people who we care about. We don’t need Hallmark to write out the words in a pre-written card. All we need to do is reflect on the person who we love, and those feelings and words that express what we feel for them will become accessible. When thinking about people we love, we will realize that it is easy to verbalize our emotions when we actually give ourselves time to think about it.

Think about it. Stop and think about the meaningful people in your life. Acknowledge how much they actually mean to you. Think of at least one sentence to tell them of your appreciation for them. It can be stating how lucky you are to have them in your life, the way you appreciate their being, that they brighten up your life, or you can simply say, “I love you.”

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Trauma in the Body

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Do you ever feel pain and tension in your body even though you haven't done anything that would cause pain? Do you ever get restless leg syndrome or overly anxious for no particular reason? These could be signs that your body is holding onto some extreme emotions that need to be released in somatic (body-centered) therapeutic work.

But I never experienced trauma! Traumas can be caused in our lives when one of our boundaries has been broken, causing extreme anxiety and distress. Traumas are not only caused by childhood stress or family chaos; they can be caused by boundary violations such as being in a job where we are treated poorly or being in a relationship where our needs are never heard.

Fight or flight response. Frequently in our lives, we experience this process: an electric charge by an outside stimulus is followed by a relaxation of that charge. Healthy individuals are able to maintain their usual boundaries with those around them. However, when these boundaries are skewed, an outside source causes us to have an extreme response that bring us outside of our comfort zone (known as homeostasis). For some people, the impact caused by an outside source is such a severe shock on the nervous system that it elicits a traumatic response in our bodies.

How to help ourselves. First, see a therapist trained in trauma work and body-centered process. Trauma is not a "quick fix." There is no tool or tip that can get you through it. Practices such as yoga and meditation can be helpful when working through a traumatic episode, but the most helpful resource is getting professional help to repair this tear within your central nervous system.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Dealing with ANGER!

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Some people think that it is a good idea to express your anger and “let it out” instead of keeping it in and causing you stress. Current research actually states that getting extremely angry is just as damaging to your blood pressure, heart, and immune system as keeping the anger inside. When you constantly unleash your anger, you are not relieving the angry feelings. It is actually proven that the more anger you let out, the angrier you will get. Even thinking about being angry actually can be bad for your heart!

The tip this week is learning to control anger so that you become angry less often. Don’t bottle up what you are feeling; rather, learn to express what is making you angry to the appropriate person in a calm yet assertive tone.

What to look for. Take time to notice that certain people and activities trigger your anger. Be aware of this instead of subconsciously letting these things repetitively get to you and cause you to stir negative emotions. When you are calm, try to find the reason that certain things are triggering you, because it is unlikely that you will be able to figure it out while you are upset.

Did you know that anger makes you less intelligent? Think back to the last time you got really angry. You probably did or said something that you later regretted because you were not consciously thinking when you acted out in anger. When we are angry, we do not think with our whole brains, and we disconnect the neurological pathways to rationality. We begin to think in extremes by using words like “always” or “never.” An angry mind can become completely disillusioned by the situation that is actually occurring.

Why do people like getting angry? Anger is exciting and causes adrenaline to pump through the body. When we get angry, people begin to give us attention and then we begin to feel less self-conscious. The angrier you get, the more likely people are to give in to your demands. Unfortunately for the person who is quick to anger, the negative health side effects listed above are more concerning than getting what you want within the moment.
Remember, practice your breathing. Repeat to yourself that you are not going to let this small thing affect your health. Breathe in and breathe out. Make sure you exhale longer than you inhale! Practicing this technique when you are calm can help you to appropriately express yourself when something causes you anger.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Fourth of July

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

On holidays such as July 4, the fireworks can bring me right back to the sense of awe I experienced when I was younger. The colors, the explosions, and the excitement of wondering what comes next always bring me right back to that sense of young innocence. I find myself free of anxious energy and right back to a sense of calm and excitement. The important lesson we can all learn from this experience? There is something magical about the innocence of a child.

Of course, we all have responsibilities. However, did you ever notice that young children can have so much fun doing absolutely nothing? While adults fret and worry when they have “nothing going on,” children take full advantage of the present moment they live in. After observing numerous children, I realize that the biggest gift we can learn from our children is entertaining ourselves simply through using our imaginations.

Children live in a realm of creativity that many teenagers and adults cannot conceive of. Take time to observe your children or young family members and notice the way they do not let their environment or outside factors affect their sense of self. Adults can ruin their whole day by letting one comment or judgment affect them, yet young children dismiss comments due to their focus on themselves and their world. Imagine the amount of stress we could eliminate if we solely had the innocence of a child for just a few moments a day!

Recognize the joy in your life. No matter how stressful and difficult things are, take a few minutes each day to use your imagination and simply enjoy yourself. A few positive and carefree moments can greatly affect the quality of your day to day life.

Happy Fourth of July!

Make Time for Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

It has been weeks (possible months) since you and your partner or spouse had an evening together. Is it just that your schedules have gotten too busy, or is it a sign that the relationship is in a rut?

If you put all of your free time into something that is not connected to your partner, this is a sign that you may have lost interest in your relationship. When everything else becomes a priority, your relationship may be at a dead end.

It is essential for all partners to invest time into a relationship to make it work. Think back to the beginning of your relationship… couples usually spend on average of fifteen or more hours a week invested in their new partner. As the relationship continues, this number begins to decrease. You hit relationship ruts when you have no free time to give your partner.

But I have no time! Sometimes couples get so busy trying to live up to their personal goals (coursework, careers, taking care of children, etc.) that they find they have no time for each other. If you find yourself in this situation, it is extremely important to set up time to talk with one another.

What to do? Every day, you should make a clear and structured slot of time for you and your partner so that you do not hit or continue to stay within a relationship rut. If you have to wake up before the kids or stay up later, schedule in this time! Although it doesn’t seem fun or spontaneous, having this time for your relationship will make both of you more invested in your relationship and help you show how much you care.

What if my partner won’t give me any time? If you suggest this intervention and your partner refuses to do it, it’s a sign that your relationship is in need of serious assistance. The two of you may have lost the ability to communicate effectively with one another, thus you need a third party (not a family member or friend) to be the buffer between the two of you. Seek counseling as soon as possible to assess and then hopefully save your relationship.