Dealing with ANGER!

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Some people think that it is a good idea to express your anger and “let it out” instead of keeping it in and causing you stress. Current research actually states that getting extremely angry is just as damaging to your blood pressure, heart, and immune system as keeping the anger inside. When you constantly unleash your anger, you are not relieving the angry feelings. It is actually proven that the more anger you let out, the angrier you will get. Even thinking about being angry actually can be bad for your heart!

The tip this week is learning to control anger so that you become angry less often. Don’t bottle up what you are feeling; rather, learn to express what is making you angry to the appropriate person in a calm yet assertive tone.

What to look for. Take time to notice that certain people and activities trigger your anger. Be aware of this instead of subconsciously letting these things repetitively get to you and cause you to stir negative emotions. When you are calm, try to find the reason that certain things are triggering you, because it is unlikely that you will be able to figure it out while you are upset.

Did you know that anger makes you less intelligent? Think back to the last time you got really angry. You probably did or said something that you later regretted because you were not consciously thinking when you acted out in anger. When we are angry, we do not think with our whole brains, and we disconnect the neurological pathways to rationality. We begin to think in extremes by using words like “always” or “never.” An angry mind can become completely disillusioned by the situation that is actually occurring.

Why do people like getting angry? Anger is exciting and causes adrenaline to pump through the body. When we get angry, people begin to give us attention and then we begin to feel less self-conscious. The angrier you get, the more likely people are to give in to your demands. Unfortunately for the person who is quick to anger, the negative health side effects listed above are more concerning than getting what you want within the moment.
Remember, practice your breathing. Repeat to yourself that you are not going to let this small thing affect your health. Breathe in and breathe out. Make sure you exhale longer than you inhale! Practicing this technique when you are calm can help you to appropriately express yourself when something causes you anger.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Fourth of July

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

On holidays such as July 4, the fireworks can bring me right back to the sense of awe I experienced when I was younger. The colors, the explosions, and the excitement of wondering what comes next always bring me right back to that sense of young innocence. I find myself free of anxious energy and right back to a sense of calm and excitement. The important lesson we can all learn from this experience? There is something magical about the innocence of a child.

Of course, we all have responsibilities. However, did you ever notice that young children can have so much fun doing absolutely nothing? While adults fret and worry when they have “nothing going on,” children take full advantage of the present moment they live in. After observing numerous children, I realize that the biggest gift we can learn from our children is entertaining ourselves simply through using our imaginations.

Children live in a realm of creativity that many teenagers and adults cannot conceive of. Take time to observe your children or young family members and notice the way they do not let their environment or outside factors affect their sense of self. Adults can ruin their whole day by letting one comment or judgment affect them, yet young children dismiss comments due to their focus on themselves and their world. Imagine the amount of stress we could eliminate if we solely had the innocence of a child for just a few moments a day!

Recognize the joy in your life. No matter how stressful and difficult things are, take a few minutes each day to use your imagination and simply enjoy yourself. A few positive and carefree moments can greatly affect the quality of your day to day life.

Happy Fourth of July!

Make Time for Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

It has been weeks (possible months) since you and your partner or spouse had an evening together. Is it just that your schedules have gotten too busy, or is it a sign that the relationship is in a rut?

If you put all of your free time into something that is not connected to your partner, this is a sign that you may have lost interest in your relationship. When everything else becomes a priority, your relationship may be at a dead end.

It is essential for all partners to invest time into a relationship to make it work. Think back to the beginning of your relationship… couples usually spend on average of fifteen or more hours a week invested in their new partner. As the relationship continues, this number begins to decrease. You hit relationship ruts when you have no free time to give your partner.

But I have no time! Sometimes couples get so busy trying to live up to their personal goals (coursework, careers, taking care of children, etc.) that they find they have no time for each other. If you find yourself in this situation, it is extremely important to set up time to talk with one another.

What to do? Every day, you should make a clear and structured slot of time for you and your partner so that you do not hit or continue to stay within a relationship rut. If you have to wake up before the kids or stay up later, schedule in this time! Although it doesn’t seem fun or spontaneous, having this time for your relationship will make both of you more invested in your relationship and help you show how much you care.

What if my partner won’t give me any time? If you suggest this intervention and your partner refuses to do it, it’s a sign that your relationship is in need of serious assistance. The two of you may have lost the ability to communicate effectively with one another, thus you need a third party (not a family member or friend) to be the buffer between the two of you. Seek counseling as soon as possible to assess and then hopefully save your relationship.

The Art of Intentional Listening

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

Do you try to tell stories to those around you and then realize their response is more about themselves than acknowledging what you just said? I find it to be something that happens to me on a daily basis. I'll begin sharing a story, and the response that I get from the person across from me is such a tangent to what I was actually trying to say. It sparks a whole other conversation, and this person takes the whole moment right away from me.

I believe this is a pervasive issue in our general conversations and everyday dialogue. When people aren't listening to you, it makes you feel unappreciated and undervalued. This, in turn, negatively impacts your self-esteem because you may begin to believe that what you say doesn't actually matter.

Are you a bad listener? Read the following example, and assess if you find truth in it. You walk by someone in your office and say, "Hi, how are you?" Instead of just saying "good," the person replies with their story. They start to elaborate on their family, friends, health, relationship, etc. You start to get anxious as you hear them speaking, you try to make up an excuse to get out of the conversation, you begin regretting asking them “how are you” in the first place. If this happens to you frequently, it may be a sign that you are not a great listener.

Learning how to listen well. To truly listen well, you must simply listen. It seems simple, but in fact, it is difficult to just listen without beginning to plan what you want to say next. To sit and listen to another person without starting to formulate a response is something that we rarely do as individuals. One reason that we fail to actually listen is because we have an intuitive desire as humans to sound intelligent, thus our subconscious begins formulating appropriate responses while others are still speaking. Another reason we do not listen, particularly with people we are close to, is because some people actually trigger us so much that we shut off and prematurely judge what they are going to say before they actually say anything.

If we gave each person the space to say what they wanted to say and actually listened to one another, we might improve our relationships and communication, and people would feel more valued about their self-worth. Try to value the people who speak to you and listen in the way that you would like to be listened to.

Just Give In

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

About a month ago, someone was angry at me because they thought I had wronged them. I was unaware that they felt this way until the person came up and accused me of what I had done wrong. At this moment, I was so in shock of what had happened that I had nothing to say to them. They yelled at me and walked away. After this incident, I started getting extremely angry at the person for wrongly accusing me of something that I had never done. I thought about the situation over and over for days and I realized where the misinterpretation had come from. Now, I was in a predicament because I wasn’t sure how to go about telling this individual what had happened without starting more “drama.” Some people gave me advice but their advice seemed confrontational and did not actually solve the presenting problem. I was angry that I was being blamed for a mistake someone else had made and that this person who yelled at me was misdirecting their anger onto me. I knew that I did not want to confront this person with my own anger, but I could not seem to get my head around the appropriate way to handle this situation. Therefore, I reverted to one of my best advice resources… I called my dad. I explained the situation and he came up with the perfect solution.

Instead of taking my anger out and just adding more anger to an already “heated” situation, he decided that I just “bite the bullet” and take the blame for the situation which was not even my fault. Instead of adding to an already complicated situation, maybe it would be best for me to apologize, take the fault as if it were my own, and concede to the person who was upset at me. Upon hearing his advice, I was baffled. WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! However, after thinking about it, it really seemed like the best path to clearing the air so that we could continue with our lives and both of us could get over the anger we had towards each other. I followed his advice… and within a week, the problem was solved. I took the blame and this individual appreciated it so much that they took the time to actually apologize as well. I did not waste my energy explaining my side and yelling to create more anger, I simply accepted the false blame and we both moved on.

Tip of the Week: Just give in! For me, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I wouldn’t get into a pattern of doing it, but for a person like me that frequently speaks my mind, just “letting it go” was the most amazing feeling and the perfect solution for this situation. This week, instead of getting upset over something, just let it go!

Positively Praise Yourself

By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

When you are younger, adults try to raise your self-esteem. You get trophies if you win or lose, your parents praise your good grades by putting them on the refrigerator, you get certificates for being nice to others, etc. However, as you get older, you continue to do these good acts, and yet the praise begins to disappear. On occasion, we get recognition for large projects from our bosses through promotions, or our partners tell us how wonderful we are. Although this could happen, most days we go about doing a variety of deeds (some good and some bad), and the good ones don’t get noticed while the bad ones are pointed out to us.

As adults, do we become so confident in our sense-of-self that we no longer require praise? No, our egos are constantly shifting, just as they did when we were children. Since it is a good idea to positively reinforce a child’s good behavior, it is a good idea to positively praise yourself.

Why don’t adults praise other adults? Adults are quick to point out the flaws in other adults. You will be warned before getting fired or talked down to by your romantic partner for things that you do wrong. However, it is much less common to get positive praise from adults around you. One reason could be that as people get older, they are too absorbed in their own lives that they forget to acknowledge the great things that you are doing. It could be that they feel jealous of the good things that you accomplish, so they keep their comments to themselves. Also, they could just find it awkward or uncomfortable to give you credit for something that you have done.

What to do? Do not rely on praise from others. Realize your own self-worth, and praise yourself for the great job that you do. Have you accomplished a goal recently? Awesome – praise it! Is there anything you want to buy? Don’t buy it on an impulse. Wait until you do something that you are proud of and then buy it for yourself as a reward. This will make you feel happy and also make it so your purchase is justified.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Transform Your Terrible Teenager

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapy

Yes, the hormones, peer pressure, and mood swings are mostly out of our control to deal with. However, there is a part that parents, teachers, and family members can play in controlling teenagers. I'm here to tell you that there is such a thing as a responsible teenager! Although these teens are not always depicted in movies or TV shows, they are out there on the honor roll and not causing their family headaches every night. So how do you get this teen, you may ask?

If you treat your teenagers like responsible adults, they will act like them. If you treat your teenagers like young children, don’t be surprised if they act out and have temper tantrums just like young children would.

As parents, you set the tone for the way your children behave. From the time they are young, they look up to you as role models to figure out the way they should act. If you are responsible and practice what you preach, your teenagers are more likely to be responsible as well. If you are a parent with a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, your child will probably do as you do instead of as you verbally request.

As children become teenagers, we can only hope that they stay consistent to the values they were once taught. Therefore, remember to continue to act as their role models throughout the teen years. Do not try to be friends with your teens because they need you to consistently be there as responsible role models. Make sure you set a curfew for teenagers that is fair and appropriate to their ages and begin to slightly increase the time they are allowed to stay out every few months as a reward for respecting your rules.

Checking in. The older your children gets, the more freedom you should give them. It is important to make sure your children knows that you care about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Please reiterate that this is because you are concerned about their safety and not to "nag" them. With constant communication, such as text messaging, calling, and Facebook, I have noticed some parents are going overboard. This technique rarely works and actually causes teens to rebel against being responsible. There is a fine balance between caring and being overbearing. Before your teens go out, you should know where they are going, who they will be with, and what time they will be coming home. This is basically all you need to know. Do not pry for information with endless questioning.

If they cannot give you who, what, where, and when, then as the parent, you do not have to let them go. If they freely give you this information, you need to give your teenagers their space. Once you have this information, it is your job NOT to call them, text them, or message them before the time they are supposed to be home. There is nothing a teenager hates more than an "annoying parent," and teenagers will do their best to give you a reason not to trust them if you continually nag them while they are out. Until your child breaks the curfew that you have agreed on, you must treat them as if they are responsible young adults.

Finally, when there are difficult decisions to be made regarding your teens, such as a class trips away from home, sleepovers on special nights like prom, class vacations out of the country, etc., do not just say YES or NO. Rather, take TIME to think it through and discuss with your teens. The fact that you take the TIME to labor over the decision will help your children know that they are valuable enough for you to “struggle” along with them in the process. This in turn will raise their own self-esteem and hence cause them to make better decisions for themselves.

These are a few of the basic building blocks needed to raise a responsible teenager.

• Be responsible role models as parents
• Reward teenagers when they act responsibly
• Treat them like adults rather children
• Refrain from nagging them while they are out
• Take the time necessary to “labor” through tough decisions

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.