By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC
About a month ago, someone was angry at me because they thought I had wronged
them. I was unaware that they felt this way until the person came up and accused
me of what I had done wrong. At this moment, I was so in shock of what had
happened that I had nothing to say to them. They yelled at me and walked away.
After this incident, I started getting extremely angry at the person for wrongly
accusing me of something that I had never done. I thought about the situation
over and over for days and I realized where the misinterpretation had come from.
Now, I was in a predicament because I wasn’t sure how to go about telling this
individual what had happened without starting more “drama.” Some people gave me
advice but their advice seemed confrontational and did not actually solve the
presenting problem. I was angry that I was being blamed for a mistake someone
else had made and that this person who yelled at me was misdirecting their anger
onto me. I knew that I did not want to confront this person with my own anger,
but I could not seem to get my head around the appropriate way to handle this
situation. Therefore, I reverted to one of my best advice resources… I called my
dad. I explained the situation and he came up with the perfect solution.
Instead of taking my anger out and just adding more anger to an already
“heated” situation, he decided that I just “bite the bullet” and take the blame
for the situation which was not even my fault. Instead of adding to an already
complicated situation, maybe it would be best for me to apologize, take the
fault as if it were my own, and concede to the person who was upset at me. Upon
hearing his advice, I was baffled. WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! However, after
thinking about it, it really seemed like the best path to clearing the air so
that we could continue with our lives and both of us could get over the anger we
had towards each other. I followed his advice… and within a week, the problem
was solved. I took the blame and this individual appreciated it so much that
they took the time to actually apologize as well. I did not waste my energy
explaining my side and yelling to create more anger, I simply accepted the false
blame and we both moved on.
Tip of the Week: Just give in! For me, it was one of the most
difficult things I have ever done. I wouldn’t get into a pattern of doing it,
but for a person like me that frequently speaks my mind, just “letting it go”
was the most amazing feeling and the perfect solution for this situation. This
week, instead of getting upset over something, just let it go!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Positively Praise Yourself
By Amanda Pasciucco at Therapy by Amanda, LLC
When you are younger, adults try to raise your self-esteem. You get trophies if you win or lose, your parents praise your good grades by putting them on the refrigerator, you get certificates for being nice to others, etc. However, as you get older, you continue to do these good acts, and yet the praise begins to disappear. On occasion, we get recognition for large projects from our bosses through promotions, or our partners tell us how wonderful we are. Although this could happen, most days we go about doing a variety of deeds (some good and some bad), and the good ones don’t get noticed while the bad ones are pointed out to us.
As adults, do we become so confident in our sense-of-self that we no longer require praise? No, our egos are constantly shifting, just as they did when we were children. Since it is a good idea to positively reinforce a child’s good behavior, it is a good idea to positively praise yourself.
Why don’t adults praise other adults? Adults are quick to point out the flaws in other adults. You will be warned before getting fired or talked down to by your romantic partner for things that you do wrong. However, it is much less common to get positive praise from adults around you. One reason could be that as people get older, they are too absorbed in their own lives that they forget to acknowledge the great things that you are doing. It could be that they feel jealous of the good things that you accomplish, so they keep their comments to themselves. Also, they could just find it awkward or uncomfortable to give you credit for something that you have done.
What to do? Do not rely on praise from others. Realize your own self-worth, and praise yourself for the great job that you do. Have you accomplished a goal recently? Awesome – praise it! Is there anything you want to buy? Don’t buy it on an impulse. Wait until you do something that you are proud of and then buy it for yourself as a reward. This will make you feel happy and also make it so your purchase is justified.
Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.
When you are younger, adults try to raise your self-esteem. You get trophies if you win or lose, your parents praise your good grades by putting them on the refrigerator, you get certificates for being nice to others, etc. However, as you get older, you continue to do these good acts, and yet the praise begins to disappear. On occasion, we get recognition for large projects from our bosses through promotions, or our partners tell us how wonderful we are. Although this could happen, most days we go about doing a variety of deeds (some good and some bad), and the good ones don’t get noticed while the bad ones are pointed out to us.
As adults, do we become so confident in our sense-of-self that we no longer require praise? No, our egos are constantly shifting, just as they did when we were children. Since it is a good idea to positively reinforce a child’s good behavior, it is a good idea to positively praise yourself.
Why don’t adults praise other adults? Adults are quick to point out the flaws in other adults. You will be warned before getting fired or talked down to by your romantic partner for things that you do wrong. However, it is much less common to get positive praise from adults around you. One reason could be that as people get older, they are too absorbed in their own lives that they forget to acknowledge the great things that you are doing. It could be that they feel jealous of the good things that you accomplish, so they keep their comments to themselves. Also, they could just find it awkward or uncomfortable to give you credit for something that you have done.
What to do? Do not rely on praise from others. Realize your own self-worth, and praise yourself for the great job that you do. Have you accomplished a goal recently? Awesome – praise it! Is there anything you want to buy? Don’t buy it on an impulse. Wait until you do something that you are proud of and then buy it for yourself as a reward. This will make you feel happy and also make it so your purchase is justified.
Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.
Transform Your Terrible Teenager
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapy
Yes, the hormones, peer pressure, and mood swings are mostly out of our control to deal with. However, there is a part that parents, teachers, and family members can play in controlling teenagers. I'm here to tell you that there is such a thing as a responsible teenager! Although these teens are not always depicted in movies or TV shows, they are out there on the honor roll and not causing their family headaches every night. So how do you get this teen, you may ask?
If you treat your teenagers like responsible adults, they will act like them. If you treat your teenagers like young children, don’t be surprised if they act out and have temper tantrums just like young children would.
As parents, you set the tone for the way your children behave. From the time they are young, they look up to you as role models to figure out the way they should act. If you are responsible and practice what you preach, your teenagers are more likely to be responsible as well. If you are a parent with a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, your child will probably do as you do instead of as you verbally request.
As children become teenagers, we can only hope that they stay consistent to the values they were once taught. Therefore, remember to continue to act as their role models throughout the teen years. Do not try to be friends with your teens because they need you to consistently be there as responsible role models. Make sure you set a curfew for teenagers that is fair and appropriate to their ages and begin to slightly increase the time they are allowed to stay out every few months as a reward for respecting your rules.
Checking in. The older your children gets, the more freedom you should give them. It is important to make sure your children knows that you care about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Please reiterate that this is because you are concerned about their safety and not to "nag" them. With constant communication, such as text messaging, calling, and Facebook, I have noticed some parents are going overboard. This technique rarely works and actually causes teens to rebel against being responsible. There is a fine balance between caring and being overbearing. Before your teens go out, you should know where they are going, who they will be with, and what time they will be coming home. This is basically all you need to know. Do not pry for information with endless questioning.
If they cannot give you who, what, where, and when, then as the parent, you do not have to let them go. If they freely give you this information, you need to give your teenagers their space. Once you have this information, it is your job NOT to call them, text them, or message them before the time they are supposed to be home. There is nothing a teenager hates more than an "annoying parent," and teenagers will do their best to give you a reason not to trust them if you continually nag them while they are out. Until your child breaks the curfew that you have agreed on, you must treat them as if they are responsible young adults.
Finally, when there are difficult decisions to be made regarding your teens, such as a class trips away from home, sleepovers on special nights like prom, class vacations out of the country, etc., do not just say YES or NO. Rather, take TIME to think it through and discuss with your teens. The fact that you take the TIME to labor over the decision will help your children know that they are valuable enough for you to “struggle” along with them in the process. This in turn will raise their own self-esteem and hence cause them to make better decisions for themselves.
These are a few of the basic building blocks needed to raise a responsible teenager.
- Be responsible role models as parents
- Reward teenagers when they act responsibly
- Treat them like adults rather children
- Refrain from nagging them while they are out
- Take the time necessary to “labor” through tough decisions
Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey - Stress and Low Libido
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
One thing that has been lost through the “Fifty Shades of Grey” epidemic is the unrealistic expectations it has created in some women, causing them to question whether “something is wrong with me” if their libidos don’t match up with the protagonist’s. A low libido is not a sign that something is wrong with you, but it may indicate the presence of an excess of stress in your life. Studies have shown a causal link between stress and low libido.
Stress Bringing the kids to school, working extra hours at the office, a new project added to your plate, late payments on your bills, taking up night school... what do all of these things have in common? Well, they all bring additional stress to your life. When your stress increases, your body goes into "fight of flight” response. During this stage, the hormones cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine) prepare you to get ready to go out and do something or to stay and fight. If you keep feeding your body with activities that cause you stress, over time the production of these hormones begin to negatively affect the libido.
Does this affect men and women? It depends. The production of cortisol decreases testosterone, and testosterone is responsible for a large part of our libido. This can cause a big problem for people who have low levels of testosterone. Usually females have about ten times less testosterone in their bodies than males. Although stress can affect males’ libido, research has shown that generally females’ libidos are more affected by stress than males’ are.
What do I do about it? Learning stress management techniques would be helpful! Seek counseling or talk with someone you know who appears to have a good balance in his or her life between work, family, relationship, schooling, and pleasure. Learning techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and meditation from a therapist or trainer have been proven extremely helpful in decreasing stress and thus increasing libido. Another way to decrease stress is to start incorporating exercise and healthy into your schedule. When you exercise you release endorphins, the body's natural way of fighting off stress.
One thing that has been lost through the “Fifty Shades of Grey” epidemic is the unrealistic expectations it has created in some women, causing them to question whether “something is wrong with me” if their libidos don’t match up with the protagonist’s. A low libido is not a sign that something is wrong with you, but it may indicate the presence of an excess of stress in your life. Studies have shown a causal link between stress and low libido.
Stress Bringing the kids to school, working extra hours at the office, a new project added to your plate, late payments on your bills, taking up night school... what do all of these things have in common? Well, they all bring additional stress to your life. When your stress increases, your body goes into "fight of flight” response. During this stage, the hormones cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine) prepare you to get ready to go out and do something or to stay and fight. If you keep feeding your body with activities that cause you stress, over time the production of these hormones begin to negatively affect the libido.
Does this affect men and women? It depends. The production of cortisol decreases testosterone, and testosterone is responsible for a large part of our libido. This can cause a big problem for people who have low levels of testosterone. Usually females have about ten times less testosterone in their bodies than males. Although stress can affect males’ libido, research has shown that generally females’ libidos are more affected by stress than males’ are.
What do I do about it? Learning stress management techniques would be helpful! Seek counseling or talk with someone you know who appears to have a good balance in his or her life between work, family, relationship, schooling, and pleasure. Learning techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and meditation from a therapist or trainer have been proven extremely helpful in decreasing stress and thus increasing libido. Another way to decrease stress is to start incorporating exercise and healthy into your schedule. When you exercise you release endorphins, the body's natural way of fighting off stress.
Do Something "Crazy"
By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists
‘Crazy’ can be interpreted many different ways. Something ‘crazy’ is not a recreational drug or something dangerous or harmful to yourself or another, but ‘crazy’ means something out of your comfort zone. Keep that definition in mind as you continue reading.
I would like for you to think about the last time that you actually did something ‘crazy.’ What was it and how long ago was it? Did you enjoy doing it? Did it bring joy to others?
“If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting.” Does this quote apply to your daily life? When you first started your job, a new hobby, or new relationship, it initially brought you happiness and excitement. As you adjusted to it, though, the joy and excitement lessened, and what was once thrilling became routine. At this point, it’s time to do something “crazy.”
Every once in a while, you need to break out of your comfort zone, and spice up your life. If you are tired of the same old thing producing the same old results, then do something new! If your family, friends, or coworkers can predict what you are going to say or do next, then do something different.
Recently, I traveled to the West Coast and realized how differently they do things there than we do here. I spoke with an ER doctor and was astonished that he wasn’t burnt out. I asked him what was the key to his happiness, and he reported that he liked to keep active and implement different activities in his life. He reported that he created a schedule with flexibility to enjoy himself and his family. He reported that he goes hiking one weekend, hits the beach the next weekend, and then brings his kids on a trail to go bike riding.
What should you do? It is important to do things like take a new route to work, so it doesn’t become so redundant. Need flavor in your marriage and can’t afford a vacation? Have a “stay-cation” – stay at a local hotel in your town for a night. It’s reasonably priced and can add a fresh edge to your relationship. Take a personal day from work and go to the movies. Read a book that it is not in your genre or even find a concert of a band that you wouldn’t likely see.
Tip of the week: Break your routine, and do something crazy!
‘Crazy’ can be interpreted many different ways. Something ‘crazy’ is not a recreational drug or something dangerous or harmful to yourself or another, but ‘crazy’ means something out of your comfort zone. Keep that definition in mind as you continue reading.
I would like for you to think about the last time that you actually did something ‘crazy.’ What was it and how long ago was it? Did you enjoy doing it? Did it bring joy to others?
“If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting.” Does this quote apply to your daily life? When you first started your job, a new hobby, or new relationship, it initially brought you happiness and excitement. As you adjusted to it, though, the joy and excitement lessened, and what was once thrilling became routine. At this point, it’s time to do something “crazy.”
Every once in a while, you need to break out of your comfort zone, and spice up your life. If you are tired of the same old thing producing the same old results, then do something new! If your family, friends, or coworkers can predict what you are going to say or do next, then do something different.
Recently, I traveled to the West Coast and realized how differently they do things there than we do here. I spoke with an ER doctor and was astonished that he wasn’t burnt out. I asked him what was the key to his happiness, and he reported that he liked to keep active and implement different activities in his life. He reported that he created a schedule with flexibility to enjoy himself and his family. He reported that he goes hiking one weekend, hits the beach the next weekend, and then brings his kids on a trail to go bike riding.
What should you do? It is important to do things like take a new route to work, so it doesn’t become so redundant. Need flavor in your marriage and can’t afford a vacation? Have a “stay-cation” – stay at a local hotel in your town for a night. It’s reasonably priced and can add a fresh edge to your relationship. Take a personal day from work and go to the movies. Read a book that it is not in your genre or even find a concert of a band that you wouldn’t likely see.
Tip of the week: Break your routine, and do something crazy!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Adult Time-Outs
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family
Therapist at Life Coaching and Therapy
You may have used a time-out when
disciplining a child who is acting out. The reason that you use time-outs for
children is to give them a break from the current environment, allow them to
calm themself down, and take them away from the stimuli that are charging their
negative behavior. It gives children a new way to deal with their frustration.
If a child is able to learn this, an
adult can as well. Practice using time-outs in your life this week!
When you are in the middle of arguing
with someone, both of you lose focus on one another as people and become
defensive in trying to state your points of view. When this happens, without
realizing it, you start to create tears within your relationship. A way to
repair the tear before you completely damage the bond is to call a
"time-out."
You may not know it, but numerous body
processes occur when you are arguing, including raised blood pressure, a rush
of adrenaline, and increased heart rate. The stress that begins to form does
damage to your body, and the words you begin to yell damage the relationship.
Time-outs within relationships can be used to cool you down and let your body
come back to its usual state. You can let your body relax, allow the other
person to calm down, and then begin to think of a better way to approach the
point you were making.
How do you do it? If it is with your
partner, you can discuss it before arguing and state that you want to
incorporate time-outs into the way you communicate. Tell your partner that
either of you can call a time-out and take ten minutes away from one another to
"cool down." When you come back, you are able to talk rationally and
calmly to one another about the topic. If you are using the time-out option
with a friend you usually do not argue with, tell them you need a few minutes
to cool down. During your cool down time, you will notice that you find a
better way of responding and can thus end the conflict easier.
Therefore, try not to damage
relationships by arguing. The use of a time-out can help to keep arguments to
small tears that are much easier to repair.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Surround Yourself With Positive People
By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC
Do you know the saying "misery loves company?" Think about the people who you currently surround yourself with. What are they like? Joyous, happy, and filled with life? Depressed, anxious, or pessimistic? When you look to the people around you, realize that these people are a reflection of and reflect on you. The people you associate with, the way they live, their attitudes, and their style of living have an extreme influence on your attitude and actions.
It's extremely important to surround yourself with positive people and people who you aspire to be like. If you surround yourself with people who are negative, do not support you, and do not value themselves, they will also hold you back. Although you may not be consciously aware of it, these people will have a dramatic affect on your mindset. You only have so much of yourself to give, so why not give of yourself to people who will nurture your continual growth?
Being around positive people will make you feel good! Positive people are there to offer you emotional support and encouragement. When people view the world positively, they see life as a gift and strive to make the most of what they have. This quality will spread to you if you also begin to associate with people who think positively. Unlike complainers, positive people are always looking for joy within life, even when they are going through a tough time.
Research shows that people who are positive or associate with positive people are actually healthier and more successful financially. When you are with encouraging people, your stress decreases, and you will be able to relax more. With low levels of stress, your body will actually be physically healthier. When you surround yourself with positive people, they will make your life more fun and actually "pump" you up. They will actually give you the energy you need to accomplish your goals. Similarly, positive people are more likely to get job recognition and promotions, thus making them more financially successful.
Watch out for "chronic complainers." These people constantly moan about their problems and will wear you down with their negativity. People who constantly complain want others to absorb their negative energy and take on some of their negativity. Make sure you set an example for these types of people by sending them positive messages instead of getting sucked into their depressed moods.
The key to success can be found through positive people who appreciate life and being happy. These people like to live in the moment and get joy from helping others. If you begin to surround yourself with people like this, you will see that you begin to improve the quality of your own life. Since the people who you choose to be around have a tremendous impact on your moods, it is okay to be picky when choosing friends. Even if you tend to be a negative person, being around people who are positive will help you alter the way you live your life.
Rather than getting what you give, give what you get. When you surround yourself with negative people and continuously get negativity, you start to give negativity. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and you will give positive energy to those around you.
Therefore, the tip of the week is: seek out people in your life who exude positivity.
Do you know the saying "misery loves company?" Think about the people who you currently surround yourself with. What are they like? Joyous, happy, and filled with life? Depressed, anxious, or pessimistic? When you look to the people around you, realize that these people are a reflection of and reflect on you. The people you associate with, the way they live, their attitudes, and their style of living have an extreme influence on your attitude and actions.
It's extremely important to surround yourself with positive people and people who you aspire to be like. If you surround yourself with people who are negative, do not support you, and do not value themselves, they will also hold you back. Although you may not be consciously aware of it, these people will have a dramatic affect on your mindset. You only have so much of yourself to give, so why not give of yourself to people who will nurture your continual growth?
Being around positive people will make you feel good! Positive people are there to offer you emotional support and encouragement. When people view the world positively, they see life as a gift and strive to make the most of what they have. This quality will spread to you if you also begin to associate with people who think positively. Unlike complainers, positive people are always looking for joy within life, even when they are going through a tough time.
Research shows that people who are positive or associate with positive people are actually healthier and more successful financially. When you are with encouraging people, your stress decreases, and you will be able to relax more. With low levels of stress, your body will actually be physically healthier. When you surround yourself with positive people, they will make your life more fun and actually "pump" you up. They will actually give you the energy you need to accomplish your goals. Similarly, positive people are more likely to get job recognition and promotions, thus making them more financially successful.
Watch out for "chronic complainers." These people constantly moan about their problems and will wear you down with their negativity. People who constantly complain want others to absorb their negative energy and take on some of their negativity. Make sure you set an example for these types of people by sending them positive messages instead of getting sucked into their depressed moods.
The key to success can be found through positive people who appreciate life and being happy. These people like to live in the moment and get joy from helping others. If you begin to surround yourself with people like this, you will see that you begin to improve the quality of your own life. Since the people who you choose to be around have a tremendous impact on your moods, it is okay to be picky when choosing friends. Even if you tend to be a negative person, being around people who are positive will help you alter the way you live your life.
Rather than getting what you give, give what you get. When you surround yourself with negative people and continuously get negativity, you start to give negativity. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and you will give positive energy to those around you.
Therefore, the tip of the week is: seek out people in your life who exude positivity.
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