Stopping Chronic Complaining!

By Amanda Pasciucco, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I am witnessing a trend that I would like to discuss. Numerous people have been coming to me in my personal life with their complaints and problems, and when they find the solutions, instead of solving them, they just keep complaining. Nothing is more frustrating than people who are negative, complain, and refuse to stand up for themselves to change the current pattern of their lives.

In the beginning, I would sit and listen. I would offer my services to listen or give them my perspective on the issue. After months of realizing people are complaining about the same issue and not doing anything about it, I have finally decided I am not going to use my time to enable constant complaining.

I feel blessed to have been raised in a family where complaining without action towards a solution was unacceptable. I have yet to meet anyone whose constant complaining has done anything positive to resolve the situation. I realize that having bitterness and aggravation towards life problems actually never gets anything done.

If someone tries to talk to you about his or her problems but refuse to make any changes, then you should refuse to listen to their complaining. It takes too much mental energy to try helping people who are not willing to help themselves.

If you have friends, co-workers, or family like this, it is time to stop the pattern. You must recognize that people who are chronic complainers are not going to take your advice, because they are stuck in the pattern of complaining. Let these people deal with their own stress and refuse to take it on as part of your life. You will be a much happier person if you keep yourself out of that dynamic.

About the author: Amanda Pasciucco is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who believes that physical, emotional, and environmental wellness all factor into one's mental health. Amanda is committed to providing quality mental health services. It is her overall goal to enhance the quality of life for individuals, couples, and families. By obtaining an assessment of your emotional, physical, spiritual, and life experience, Amanda can help you obtain the necessary tools you need to accomplish your treatment goals. She makes every effort to understand all aspects of one's life in order to deliver highly personalized treatment that maximizes your success.

Is It Time To Move On?

Is it time to move on?

By Amanda Pasciucco and Joshua Cohen, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Relationships: There are many times within relationships, including friendships, where we are exhorting too much of our own energy and not getting anything back in return. There is a point in the relationship where you need to move on because relationships are supposed to be about giving and taking, not exhausting yourself for someone who does not appreciate your efforts. Sometimes we can find ourselves bitter and resentful within relationships, but we have the choice to move on from this relationship rather than continue to frustrate ourselves with friendships that are one-sided.

Careers: If you feel hopeless going into your job, why not work on a resume and start applying for a new one? There isn't much to lose if you don't get the offer, and if you do, then there is a hope for a different future. Some people stay at their job way beyond the necessary time and feel absolutely miserable there. Because we spend so much of our time at our jobs, it is extremely important that the job brings you some form of joy.

Homes: Maybe you have lived here your entire life or maybe you just moved. Either way, if this doesn't feel like "home" to you, you can be causing yourself a lot of additional stress. If your house hasn't become "home," it is time to make a change. It won't be easy, but it is necessary because home is the one place that is supposed to ground you and rejuvenate you. If you don't feel that your home is a sanctuary of peace and a refuge, then it is time you and your family start looking for alternatives.

How can you tell when it time to make a change? Usually, our bodies are the first sign that we need to make changes. When we start feeling aches and pains in various parts of our body and we have not been injured, it is a sign that there is anxiety and tension in the body that is trying to be released. Instead of letting it out verbally, sometimes the body begins to act out in the form of migraines, back pain, and stomach aches. Sometimes these are signs that we are not currently pleased with how things are going in our lives and it may be time to make a change.

Relief for Children After Newtown Shooting

Relief for Children after Newtown Tragedy

By Amanda Pasciucco, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Due to the violence that many children and families witnessed on December 14, 2012, there may be many symptoms that arise. I have been asked by many people what parents can do to help their children at this time. The most important thing is to be with one another and get support from relatives and friends.

No matter what the media states, no one can say how long it will take to recover from this incident. Be aware that there may be a need for mental health services at this time. All children will respond in different ways. Do not be surprised to see acting out behaviors or see children that go back to their usual routines.

Side effects you may notice:
Fear of being alone
Anxiety and depression
Inability to concentrate
Grief and hopelessness
Changes in sleep patterns
Obsession over the shooting
Sensitivity to sounds

What you can do to help your children:

Spend time with your child. Remain open and non-defensive if they ask questions repetitively about the shooting and about their safety. If they need you to stay in their bed with them while they try to sleep, allow this behavior for a brief period of time. If they do not want to talk about it, do not force them to.Help children feel safe. Make a safety plan with them. Find safe places to hide, ways to escape rooms, and places where they agree to meet you outside the home in case of an emergency.

Don't break your rules. Maintain structure in the home. Do not forget children's chores and curfews.

Use additional check-ins with children for the next few weeksTry not to watch the news. Listening to the media coverage repetitively will keep the trauma alive and make children relive the horrific experience that they witnessed. Make sure you monitor what they are accessing about the incident on the television, internet, and phone.

Notice changes in behavior. You may notice more anger, yelling, and crying. Realize that this is normal behavior. If children start to act differently, address this with them. Let them know you are there to listen and help them.

If necessary, seek professional help.

Relief For Children After Newtown Tragedy

Relief for Children after Newtown Tragedy
By Amanda Pasciucco, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Due to the violence that many children and families witnessed on December 14, 2012, there may be many symptoms that arise. I have been asked by many people what parents can do to help their children at this time. The most important thing is to be with one another and get support from relatives and friends.

No matter what the media states, no one can say how long it will take to recover from this incident. Be aware that there may be a need for mental health services at this time. All children will respond in different ways. Do not be surprised to see acting out behaviors or see children that go back to their usual routines.

Side effects you may notice:

• Fear of being alone
• Anxiety and depression
• Inability to concentrate
• Grief and hopelessness
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Obsession over the shooting
• Sensitivity to sounds

What you can do to help your children:

Spend time with your child. Remain open and non-defensive if they ask questions repetitively about the shooting and about their safety. If they need you to stay in their bed with them while they try to sleep, allow this behavior for a brief period of time. If they do not want to talk about it, do not force them to.

Help children feel safe. Make a safety plan with them. Find safe places to hide, ways to escape rooms, and places where they agree to meet you outside the home in case of an emergency. Don't break your rules.

Maintain structure in the home. Do not forget children's chores and curfews. Use additional check-ins with children for the next few weeks.

Try not to watch the news. Listening to the media coverage repetitively will keep the trauma alive and make children relive the horrific experience that they witnessed. Make sure you monitor what they are accessing about the incident on the television, internet, and phone.

Notice changes in behavior. You may notice more anger, yelling, and crying. Realize that this is normal behavior. If children start to act differently, address this with them. Let them know you are there to listen and help them.

If necessary, seek professional help. Many organizations are doing crisis counseling at this time. My practice is currently open for free crisis counseling for those affected by this tragedy. Please do not hesitate to email me at therapybyamanda@gmail.com This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

Appreciate the Strengths in Your Relationship

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Do you ever notice that when you get into a fight with your partner, you just focus on the negatives? Couples usually “catastophize” – make the worst of – during their arguments. They never get out of the argument because they end up returning to the problem they have with their partner.
Stop falling further and further into the fight. Instead of trying to focus on the problem within the relationship, focus on what you enjoy about your partner. Realize your partner’s strengths, and this will propel you to get over the current conflict you are having. For example, if you are upset at your partner for not communicating with you, instead of repetitively discussing the negative, try to focus on what you enjoy within your partnership. Couples need to remember why they are with each other and not why they are arguing.
Think about your current partnership. It’s easy to recall the negative, but remember the strengths! If it weren’t for the strengths, you would not be together to begin with. Remember, no partnership is perfect.
This week, notice the strengths in your relationship and appreciate them. The next time you find yourself in a conflict, recall these strengths to get out of the fight.

Say "I Love You"

By Amanda Pasciucco and Josh Cohen, Marriage and Family Therapists

When is the last time you said “I love you” to someone you care about?

In the wake of last week’s tragic events at “The Dark Knight Rises” premiere in Colorado, we are reminded of the importance of sharing our appreciation to people in our lives. At times like these, we remember that many lives are lost too soon, and things are left unsaid. We cannot predict the future, so we must live each day as if it is a gift and cherish those we care about.

Remember to say “I love you” to family members. Acknowledge these special people in a way that values their significance in our lives. Parents, children, and romantic partners are usually taken for granted. We tend to expect them to act in a certain way based on their relation to us, and we forget to view them as the blessings they are.

Show appreciation. We don’t need holidays such as Mother’s or Father’s day, birthdays, or anniversaries to share our appreciation with the people who we care about. We don’t need Hallmark to write out the words in a pre-written card. All we need to do is reflect on the person who we love, and those feelings and words that express what we feel for them will become accessible. When thinking about people we love, we will realize that it is easy to verbalize our emotions when we actually give ourselves time to think about it.

Think about it. Stop and think about the meaningful people in your life. Acknowledge how much they actually mean to you. Think of at least one sentence to tell them of your appreciation for them. It can be stating how lucky you are to have them in your life, the way you appreciate their being, that they brighten up your life, or you can simply say, “I love you.”

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.

Trauma in the Body

By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC

Do you ever feel pain and tension in your body even though you haven't done anything that would cause pain? Do you ever get restless leg syndrome or overly anxious for no particular reason? These could be signs that your body is holding onto some extreme emotions that need to be released in somatic (body-centered) therapeutic work.

But I never experienced trauma! Traumas can be caused in our lives when one of our boundaries has been broken, causing extreme anxiety and distress. Traumas are not only caused by childhood stress or family chaos; they can be caused by boundary violations such as being in a job where we are treated poorly or being in a relationship where our needs are never heard.

Fight or flight response. Frequently in our lives, we experience this process: an electric charge by an outside stimulus is followed by a relaxation of that charge. Healthy individuals are able to maintain their usual boundaries with those around them. However, when these boundaries are skewed, an outside source causes us to have an extreme response that bring us outside of our comfort zone (known as homeostasis). For some people, the impact caused by an outside source is such a severe shock on the nervous system that it elicits a traumatic response in our bodies.

How to help ourselves. First, see a therapist trained in trauma work and body-centered process. Trauma is not a "quick fix." There is no tool or tip that can get you through it. Practices such as yoga and meditation can be helpful when working through a traumatic episode, but the most helpful resource is getting professional help to repair this tear within your central nervous system.

Amanda Pasciucco, M.A. MFT, is an individual, couple, and family therapist with a private practice in Wilton, Connecticut. Currently, she is working on publishing her first book. For more information, you can visit her website at www.therapybyamanda.com or follow her on twitter @TherapyByAmanda.