By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda, LLC
As soon as the sun starts shining, the world just appears to get happier. Recently, it hit 80 degrees in New England and it seemed like everyone was more cheerful. I noticed more people smiling, individuals being friendly and courteous, and a diminished sense of “rushing” or “urgency” around me. I appreciated the sudden shift in energy and decided to delve into understanding this sunshine shift.
My recent experience. I was blessed with the privilege of retreating to the beach on Monday afternoon. I decided to go on a solo excursion to enjoy the peace of the water and basking in the glorious sunlight. I had my apprehensions before going: the cost of getting in, the crowds that would have the same idea, and my fear of bees swarming. I decided to forget about that and just take time to appreciate the opportunity. I arrived (there was no cost to enter), I made my way to the beach (there were barely any people around), and I relaxed (only flies… no bees). I looked around and truly appreciated the moment that I was in. I felt so thankful for that moment where the sun was beating on me, I had nothing to do, and I could just enjoy the sights, sounds, and feeling of that moment. This sense of peace stayed with me throughout the entire rest of the day. I never felt so calm and at ease as I did when I made a conscious effort to be mindful and present within the sunlight. Note to self: get out in the sun more often!
The science behind it. Primitive cultures spent a majority of their time outdoors and in the sunlight. We know that now, we spend much more time indoors, thus we refrain from getting the correct amount of Vitamin D. The importance of this vitamin is to keep our immune systems working hard to fight off infections and to support bone growth. In addition to providing us with Vitamin D, sunlight triggers the circadian rhythms (our awake-to-sleep cycles). When sunlight hits our optic nerves, the brain slows down on its release of melatonin (the hormone responsible for sleep) and increases our serotonin (which is responsible for wakefulness and feelings of happiness). After the sun sets, this cycle reverses. The more sun we get, the more serotonin the brain produces.
Sunlight = Happiness. In addition to the scientific part of it, there is also a psychological factor. We tend to associate sunlight with vacations and tanning with days off from work. This mental state actually leads to a happier self. Due to both the psychological and scientific aspects, I believe I have my answer as to why the world just seems happier when the sun comes out. Look forward to a summer of friendlier faces.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Stop Bringing Out the Worst In Each Other!
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
It seems like I see happy pictures of couples everywhere I turn - on billboards, television, and magazines. Where are these people in real life? The friends that I have who have coupled always seem to do regrettable things in their "coupledom." Normally individuals turn to pettiness, manipulation, and jealousy. In no other relationships other than romantic ones do people act in the ways that they act with a romantic partner. They begin to let behaviors such as arguing and jealousy come out because they perceive these traits as "doing it for the good of the relationship" instead of realizing how self-serving that can be.
Relationships can bring out the worst in people. You can be out with two friends who are amazing individuals when apart, but somehow when they get together, the pettiness and argumentative characteristics all begin to come to the forefront of their interpersonal dynamic. I'm not sure if I notice it more than most people; however, there seems to be a vast amount of this occurring lately.
Not being authentic to begin with. It pains me to see people who go to extreme lengths to find their mates or who put on a front to attract a person that they believe would otherwise not be attracted to them. They begin acting as if they are someone that they are not and sometimes it even works to attract perspective partners. The downside to this is that after some time together, this person will no longer be able to keep up that front. Their partners may feel betrayed or confused when they realize that their significant other is not who they once presented themselves as.
Jealousy. What's the point of doing regrettable things because you feel insecure in your relationship? Insecurity within a relationship manifests in a variety of ways. You see that partners can be overly controlling and wanting to be with their significant others all the time for fear of what they would do in their free time. Being overly jealous is not showing each other love, it is just showing that you have insecurity or a lack of trust with your current partner. These traits rarely manifest themselves at other times, but jealousy and being overly controlling are at the forefront of inappropriate couple behavior.
It shouldn't be this way. Relationships should be about complimenting the best aspects of one another and helping each other to grow in positive ways. In between the arguments, it would be beneficial to assess the healthy parts of your relationship and do more of that! It's easy to get stuck in the negative cycles, but think of how much happier you would be if you built up the strengths of your relationship!
It seems like I see happy pictures of couples everywhere I turn - on billboards, television, and magazines. Where are these people in real life? The friends that I have who have coupled always seem to do regrettable things in their "coupledom." Normally individuals turn to pettiness, manipulation, and jealousy. In no other relationships other than romantic ones do people act in the ways that they act with a romantic partner. They begin to let behaviors such as arguing and jealousy come out because they perceive these traits as "doing it for the good of the relationship" instead of realizing how self-serving that can be.
Relationships can bring out the worst in people. You can be out with two friends who are amazing individuals when apart, but somehow when they get together, the pettiness and argumentative characteristics all begin to come to the forefront of their interpersonal dynamic. I'm not sure if I notice it more than most people; however, there seems to be a vast amount of this occurring lately.
Not being authentic to begin with. It pains me to see people who go to extreme lengths to find their mates or who put on a front to attract a person that they believe would otherwise not be attracted to them. They begin acting as if they are someone that they are not and sometimes it even works to attract perspective partners. The downside to this is that after some time together, this person will no longer be able to keep up that front. Their partners may feel betrayed or confused when they realize that their significant other is not who they once presented themselves as.
Jealousy. What's the point of doing regrettable things because you feel insecure in your relationship? Insecurity within a relationship manifests in a variety of ways. You see that partners can be overly controlling and wanting to be with their significant others all the time for fear of what they would do in their free time. Being overly jealous is not showing each other love, it is just showing that you have insecurity or a lack of trust with your current partner. These traits rarely manifest themselves at other times, but jealousy and being overly controlling are at the forefront of inappropriate couple behavior.
It shouldn't be this way. Relationships should be about complimenting the best aspects of one another and helping each other to grow in positive ways. In between the arguments, it would be beneficial to assess the healthy parts of your relationship and do more of that! It's easy to get stuck in the negative cycles, but think of how much happier you would be if you built up the strengths of your relationship!
I'm SO Bored!
I’m SO Bored!
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda LLC
Three hours to kill in the middle of the day. I’m not particularly hungry, I have nothing to do, and I am too tired to exercise. I close my office door and lay my head on the desk. The thoughts in my mind to “be productive” won’t stop. I tell them to go away. I enjoy the silence for about five minutes. Then, I begin to hear the negative thoughts screaming into my ear “find something to do!” I lift my head up and scan the room. It’s clean which means I can’t mindlessly tidy up. I go to my computer and spend a few minutes perusing the latest headlines. No emails are in my inbox. There’s no one to text or call. I notice the time and I realize that there is no work that needs to be done in this moment. It takes me a minute to realize it, but I notice that I am suffering from a case of “boredom.”
Within 2 minutes, I made a marvelous discover. Instantly, my boredom disappeared and I began writing this article. I quickly analyzed the fascinating thing that had just occurred. I was able to take my bored state and turn it into productivity. I was absolutely mesmerized!
The conclusion that I came to is that boredom isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although it may seem tedious when we are within it, those “bored” spaces allow the mind to wander. When you allow yourself the time to mentally wander (without the judgment), you are giving yourself the potential to create and come up with something new and possibly creative. The boredom allows the mind to desire more. Through that desire for more, the mind begins to bloom with ideas to be productive and motivates itself to achieve more and to continue growing.
Child Boredom. This can work for both adults and children. My mother tells me that I used to complain of being “bored” as a child. It’s interesting that I have a completely different perception and I rarely recall being bored when I was younger. It’s fascinating that the mind can forget the state of being that sparks the creativity. All I seem to remember is playing outside, the forts we made within the house, the games of “teacher/student” with friends, and the creative stories I used to write when I was alone. I guess letting your kids be “bored” isn’t too bad… because the boredom that comes from not having a cell phone or playing a video game actually can foster their personal growth and better their mental well-being.
Never bored again. Now, I’m not saying that I will never be bored again. I think it’s important to notice that there is space for the boredom to enter in our lives and have its place. As long as we continue to ignite the fire within us to be creative and open to growing mentally and physically, boredom could be the stepping stone to creating a better version of our current selves.
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist at Therapy by Amanda LLC
Three hours to kill in the middle of the day. I’m not particularly hungry, I have nothing to do, and I am too tired to exercise. I close my office door and lay my head on the desk. The thoughts in my mind to “be productive” won’t stop. I tell them to go away. I enjoy the silence for about five minutes. Then, I begin to hear the negative thoughts screaming into my ear “find something to do!” I lift my head up and scan the room. It’s clean which means I can’t mindlessly tidy up. I go to my computer and spend a few minutes perusing the latest headlines. No emails are in my inbox. There’s no one to text or call. I notice the time and I realize that there is no work that needs to be done in this moment. It takes me a minute to realize it, but I notice that I am suffering from a case of “boredom.”
Within 2 minutes, I made a marvelous discover. Instantly, my boredom disappeared and I began writing this article. I quickly analyzed the fascinating thing that had just occurred. I was able to take my bored state and turn it into productivity. I was absolutely mesmerized!
The conclusion that I came to is that boredom isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although it may seem tedious when we are within it, those “bored” spaces allow the mind to wander. When you allow yourself the time to mentally wander (without the judgment), you are giving yourself the potential to create and come up with something new and possibly creative. The boredom allows the mind to desire more. Through that desire for more, the mind begins to bloom with ideas to be productive and motivates itself to achieve more and to continue growing.
Child Boredom. This can work for both adults and children. My mother tells me that I used to complain of being “bored” as a child. It’s interesting that I have a completely different perception and I rarely recall being bored when I was younger. It’s fascinating that the mind can forget the state of being that sparks the creativity. All I seem to remember is playing outside, the forts we made within the house, the games of “teacher/student” with friends, and the creative stories I used to write when I was alone. I guess letting your kids be “bored” isn’t too bad… because the boredom that comes from not having a cell phone or playing a video game actually can foster their personal growth and better their mental well-being.
Never bored again. Now, I’m not saying that I will never be bored again. I think it’s important to notice that there is space for the boredom to enter in our lives and have its place. As long as we continue to ignite the fire within us to be creative and open to growing mentally and physically, boredom could be the stepping stone to creating a better version of our current selves.
Expressing Grief
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Grief. At some point in our lives, we will grieve. There are different ways to process the loss of a loved one. Grief is incredibly painful and many people do not know how to handle these periods of intense emotional feelings within their life. In the following, I will discuss the various ways in which I have seen people grieve a significant loss in their life.
When some people grieve, they immediately begin to get angry. They start to approach life with bitterness and thus they push people away from them. They refuse to smile or laugh at the memories. They begin to blame, whether it be blaming life, the doctors, or others. As an observer, you can tell that they are probably in emotional turmoil already. A tip for those going through this type of grief is to find help to process through the loss. If you want to try to get through it alone, it will be important to find some type of meaningful purpose within your own life to get through this difficult time. Whether it is religion, family, work, or some other support group, it is important to let people in and make meaningful connections during this difficult time.
Other people handle grief by denying the recent occurrence. You will notice this for people who grieve and find everything about the situation comical. People who are in denial will make jokes and laugh while they refuse to acknowledge that anything has happened. Eventually it will hit them when they are alone or by themselves. When you refuse to breakdown or let it out, it will eventually hit you. My advice to this category of people is to realize that you cannot free yourself from a problem or emotions by shutting your eyes to those feelings. To free yourself from a problem you have to face it head on.
Another way of approaching grief, which I believe is a relatively healthy way, is to ride the rollercoaster of emotions. One second you are acknowledging the sadness and loss of the person you care about. This could bring tears and anger. The next second you feel happy remembering the memories you have together. You could laugh. Each moment, you have no idea what your emotions will bring, but you acknowledge the process and continue to embrace each experience.
When dealing with grief, my advice is to laugh when you can laugh and to cry when you can cry. During difficult times such as grieving a person in your life, do not suppress any of your emotions. Let them come and experience them.
Defining Beauty.
Defining Beauty.
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Due to commercialism, many people assess their own beauty by the models in magazines, commercials, and on billboards. Unfortunately statistics today imply that there is lower self-esteem among all Americans than ever before. The reason for this may be that people are constantly being flooded with depictions of alluring and attractive individuals within advertisements. When people begin to compare themselves to these models, they begin to feel incomplete. Acting off their emotional impulses, they will go out and do exactly what the companies want: buy the products that their models are selling.
The misconception of beauty must stop if we have any hope for the self-esteem of young or future generations. Within our society, the definition of beauty has become extremely skewed. Beauty is defined as “the quality present in a thing or personthat gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising fromsensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.) or something where spiritualqualities are manifested.” What Americans are bombarded with is commercialism that uses glamour to play on our notion of beauty. Glamour is “the quality of fascinating, alluring, or attracting, especially by a combination of charm and good looks” or “magic or enchantment; spell; witchery.”
The most interesting part of this whole notion is that glamour is defined as “enchantment” or “witchery” because it truly has captured us as individuals and made people entranced in what it provides. If people understood this core distinction between beauty and glamour, there would be higher self-esteem throughout the nation. However, people are not told that what they perceive as beauty is actually something entirely different. Therefore, they begin to compare their own beauty against the cultural media’s definition.
Remember the saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
It is important as individuals, educators, parents, and friends that we educate people about the definition of beauty. This week, begin to identify the ways in which you are beautiful. Where are you most beautiful? Who is around you when you are the most beautiful? What qualities represent your beauty? Remember, it doesn’t have to be physical beauty.
Expanding exercise: Ask friends and family if they would express their beauty to you. It could be a powerful experience to find out if others can even identify the ways in which they are beautiful. If they struggle to find the qualities they possess that can attract others to them, it is alright. Every person has some way in which they possess beauty. Let them know that all people deserve to know the ways in which they are beautiful and are deserving of hearing praise for their beauty.
*All definitions within this article have come from dictionary.com. The idea for this article came from a workshop I took last week at the Institute for Sexuality Education, Enrichment, and Enlightenment (ISEEE) with the founder of the institute, Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo.
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
Due to commercialism, many people assess their own beauty by the models in magazines, commercials, and on billboards. Unfortunately statistics today imply that there is lower self-esteem among all Americans than ever before. The reason for this may be that people are constantly being flooded with depictions of alluring and attractive individuals within advertisements. When people begin to compare themselves to these models, they begin to feel incomplete. Acting off their emotional impulses, they will go out and do exactly what the companies want: buy the products that their models are selling.
The misconception of beauty must stop if we have any hope for the self-esteem of young or future generations. Within our society, the definition of beauty has become extremely skewed. Beauty is defined as “the quality present in a thing or personthat gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising fromsensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.) or something where spiritualqualities are manifested.” What Americans are bombarded with is commercialism that uses glamour to play on our notion of beauty. Glamour is “the quality of fascinating, alluring, or attracting, especially by a combination of charm and good looks” or “magic or enchantment; spell; witchery.”
The most interesting part of this whole notion is that glamour is defined as “enchantment” or “witchery” because it truly has captured us as individuals and made people entranced in what it provides. If people understood this core distinction between beauty and glamour, there would be higher self-esteem throughout the nation. However, people are not told that what they perceive as beauty is actually something entirely different. Therefore, they begin to compare their own beauty against the cultural media’s definition.
Remember the saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
It is important as individuals, educators, parents, and friends that we educate people about the definition of beauty. This week, begin to identify the ways in which you are beautiful. Where are you most beautiful? Who is around you when you are the most beautiful? What qualities represent your beauty? Remember, it doesn’t have to be physical beauty.
Expanding exercise: Ask friends and family if they would express their beauty to you. It could be a powerful experience to find out if others can even identify the ways in which they are beautiful. If they struggle to find the qualities they possess that can attract others to them, it is alright. Every person has some way in which they possess beauty. Let them know that all people deserve to know the ways in which they are beautiful and are deserving of hearing praise for their beauty.
*All definitions within this article have come from dictionary.com. The idea for this article came from a workshop I took last week at the Institute for Sexuality Education, Enrichment, and Enlightenment (ISEEE) with the founder of the institute, Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo.
Family Time
By Amanda Pasciucco, MFT at Therapy by Amanda, LLC
It's too bad that family doesn't get together more often. It's always exciting when planning a family get-together, but most families don't get together more than a few times a year. There are the typical excuses: Winter holidays, birthdays, big anniversaries, or graduations, but what about the rest of the year?
It's so important for people, especially children, to connect with others and have a good support system. Yes, some parents look to extracurricular activities for their kids to build social skills, but that isn't how things were fifty years ago. The generation before this one grew up with numerous family get-together and close family friends and neighbors that became a second family. There were no sports to build social skills; kids socialized by playing and participating in family conversation.
Things have changed... and it doesn't seem like it's for the better. More children are having troubles in school due to behaviors troubles and lack of socialization skills. A special education teacher told me, "I get numerous kids sent down to my office, but the majority of them just have problems interacting because they have such limited social circles." It seems like people are forgetting their most available (and cheapest) resource: their extended families.
At this time of year, it may be months until we come out of our cold houses and get together for a family gathering. But when did it get to the point where we would sacrifice a weekend day socializing with friends for a weekend of errands or appointments? Make the time to have a family party for no particular reason at all. The benefits could really be rewarding because family knows how to revitalize you in a way that no one else is quite capable of.
Stop Buying Stuff!
By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist
SALE! CLEARANCE! HUGE DISCOUNTS! SAVINGS UP TO 70% OFF!!
Did I get your attention? Probably.... My tip this week for living a happier life is: stop buying stuff!
We all want things... new things bring us joy. How long does this joy last? Probably not that long. Research shows that happiness from purchases are fleeting. At first, I am really happy with my purchases. Then I get bored of them, they burden me, they no longer are new and pleasant, and I replace them, toss them away, donate them, or throw them back into the dresser until they are in style again.
Sometimes I clean to find that I have a brand new designer shirt crumpled in the corner of my closet. This irks me because in the store, this shirt was so exciting and called out to me. While handing my credit card over to the cashier, I didn't realize the future of this shirt was to collect dust in the bottom corner of my closet and wrinkle itself into oblivion. What is even more unfortunate is that this has happened to me numerous times.
My college professor in my "Consumer Society" course would cringe if she read this article. I got an A in the course, and I can't even manage to stop buying things. I was literally trained in college not to prioritize material possessions. If I "know better" than how can I ever convince teenager girls or those around me to put their consumer ideas aside and stop purchasing unnecessarily? It's going to be tough, but I am going to try... stay with me.
Remember that saying "less is more?" Let's try to apply it here. The more stuff you have, the harder it is to keep track of it. The more you bring into your house, the harder it will be to organize. All of this "stuff" becomes a burden... to clean, to wash, to organize, and to take up your time that you would utilize differently if you didn't have so much stuff.
Easier said than done, I know. However, I found a way to curb the rush of the purchase. While doing a seasonal house cleanse, I realized that I get a rush out of getting rid of things. As I donated 10 bags of items, I felt the burden of these belongings lifting off my shoulders. I felt light and carefree. All of the sudden, I had a rush from the new space I had gained. I could dance around in my room if I wanted to. If you don't want to donate your things, you could always sell them too. There definitely is a rush from selling belongings and getting money back from the consignment shop.
I don't want to sell or donate. I just don't want to purchase more. Okay, if this describes you... you need to use your shopping time wisely. Instead of spending an afternoon alone in a store or with a friend at the mall, take some time and plan ahead. Research shows that people have much longer lasting happiness from doing things! Doing things, rather than buying things, will give you memories to reminisce about and create longer lasting feelings of happiness. So use your money wisely and plan an event. Don't have money? Look at the event calendar in your town... there are plenty of things to do!
SALE! CLEARANCE! HUGE DISCOUNTS! SAVINGS UP TO 70% OFF!!
Did I get your attention? Probably.... My tip this week for living a happier life is: stop buying stuff!
We all want things... new things bring us joy. How long does this joy last? Probably not that long. Research shows that happiness from purchases are fleeting. At first, I am really happy with my purchases. Then I get bored of them, they burden me, they no longer are new and pleasant, and I replace them, toss them away, donate them, or throw them back into the dresser until they are in style again.
Sometimes I clean to find that I have a brand new designer shirt crumpled in the corner of my closet. This irks me because in the store, this shirt was so exciting and called out to me. While handing my credit card over to the cashier, I didn't realize the future of this shirt was to collect dust in the bottom corner of my closet and wrinkle itself into oblivion. What is even more unfortunate is that this has happened to me numerous times.
My college professor in my "Consumer Society" course would cringe if she read this article. I got an A in the course, and I can't even manage to stop buying things. I was literally trained in college not to prioritize material possessions. If I "know better" than how can I ever convince teenager girls or those around me to put their consumer ideas aside and stop purchasing unnecessarily? It's going to be tough, but I am going to try... stay with me.
Remember that saying "less is more?" Let's try to apply it here. The more stuff you have, the harder it is to keep track of it. The more you bring into your house, the harder it will be to organize. All of this "stuff" becomes a burden... to clean, to wash, to organize, and to take up your time that you would utilize differently if you didn't have so much stuff.
Easier said than done, I know. However, I found a way to curb the rush of the purchase. While doing a seasonal house cleanse, I realized that I get a rush out of getting rid of things. As I donated 10 bags of items, I felt the burden of these belongings lifting off my shoulders. I felt light and carefree. All of the sudden, I had a rush from the new space I had gained. I could dance around in my room if I wanted to. If you don't want to donate your things, you could always sell them too. There definitely is a rush from selling belongings and getting money back from the consignment shop.
I don't want to sell or donate. I just don't want to purchase more. Okay, if this describes you... you need to use your shopping time wisely. Instead of spending an afternoon alone in a store or with a friend at the mall, take some time and plan ahead. Research shows that people have much longer lasting happiness from doing things! Doing things, rather than buying things, will give you memories to reminisce about and create longer lasting feelings of happiness. So use your money wisely and plan an event. Don't have money? Look at the event calendar in your town... there are plenty of things to do!
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